what about enough is enough?

Continued from last maybe....

I've also realized that I have a very striking bald patch, which in some days will become a balder patch, if not tended to. I'm really conscious about it and i'm on 'operation do-something'. So Nerdy has agreed to become my therapist, who'd better do a good job of it or she be fired.

Ofcourse problems become big and small from time to time. For eg. in front of what happened today, in front of the devastation of Bombay, anything else looks litte. So ya, the terrorists did manage to run their assignment to perfection.
They came, they saw and they ravaged. And they killed and killed. It was war and unpleasantness in their truest sense. It was a lot of naked, virulent terror and in places where only a month ago, I was gallivanting and admiring it's sheer brilliance. So clearly, it must affect the victims, the perpetrators and the spectators. It is quite disrupting and not limited to Mumbai. For eg. Back in Indore, my parents have disrupted their lives, upsetting their peace completely because Zoo stays in Mumbai, with whom they keep confronting about how often and for how long to stay outside home these days.
One would think, it's the two biggest hotels of the country, almost symbols of Mumbai's cosmopolitanness. Big places. But that perhaps could be solved with just a better security culture in the country. For some time, some of us are going to feel impatient about the systems that we might have to be put through, but how long could it take to get used to. But no, one can't say anything about anything these days. What would an unassuming family waiting patiently in the waiting room of VT station know or predict or about the modest Nariman house?

How does one forecast terror? But more importantly how does one manage it or better still, how does one fight it?
By depoliticizing it, we may be able to reach somewhere sure. By beefing our terror laws also, we may be able to reach somewhere too. But there comes our famous hypocracy or should I say, binary opposition (thinking). For every man, who wants to shoot the terrorist down, there's another, human right activist who thinks maybe it'd be too inhuman or maybe I don't get it. But again, there's got to be something to arrest such tedious episodes and embarrassments to our country. There are other oppositions. And then there are GDP growth rates, foreign capital, destitution also in our country, with an added issue of terrorism, maybe garbed also in some religious and linguistic sentiments. But anyway, it's all very disillusioning. For an average youth like us, which may not find worthy-enough leaders to follow, it is important to be more cautious in life I think for our own sake.

Even as I write this, I wonder what all these reporters and news-readers would do. It's their bread and butter to brave it out and forego their longed-for sleeps and rest their tired bodies and minds. I also wonder, what must the brave policemen and NSGuards be thinking. Forget about resting and sleeping, do they think of quitting when they go back from work? Ofcourse the dead terrorists must not get a life to do anything or think anything.

But anyway, they say Mumbai has a soul and it will spring back in no time. But then, any other city also would spring back, in its own time ofcourse. But it'd be much less tiring if such interruptions wouldnt happen altogether.

I also like 'Welcome' film a little better. I do not think an average Indian, deserves the insecurities he is made to suffer. Even if, bad democracy has to be fought with bad democracy, it's worth it, once and for all.

We have just followed news and more news today.
The repurcussions are going to be many and long-term affecting trade, sports and everything in between war and peace.
i hope ashok kamte, vijay salaskar and hemant karkare and a whole lot of army men rest in peace because we lost some of the most competent policemen who led from the front.

This whole business of taking lives and ruining many others by the b******s is condemned not only in India but everywhere else, and rightly so. I fail to understand how dastardly these militants can be and how dyslexic would they have to be to not know what a dead-end this war is. Maybe they should make more love and more music and more chocolates and more peace and more babies and more art to really know, ofcourse for their own sake, that life is pretty if you can make it that.

Later

long time!

Its been a very very long time since I last wrote and now there are just so many things to write.
Yesterday, Peeks woke, giving me 15 minutes only to give me another 15 minutes exactly 1 hour later to prepare myself for tennis, which I did and then got almost singed in the wintery sun. But then all this delay was also because everyone had his and her own reason. Peeks for example is going to be a little different now. Hers is a new chapter four months away from passing out.

Now i'd also like to bring to your notice how sometimes, non-living things also begin to pay heed to you, so now tennis balls, geyser, water-tap, laptops start to behave the way you want them to by not running amok, giving hot water, giving warm water and not crashing respectively. I thank god for that.

In the last some days I have discovered that cakes smell really badly when they become stale, that there are some very kind and unkind souls who wish you very well. There are many people who just make life so much easier and so much fun, making you feel very special. That is why, this whole tradition of having some days earmarked for just one person is brilliant I think. There are flowers and chocolates and tennis skirts make it even better. I thank God for this.

Continued maybe!

how many worlds??

the last two days have thrown at us, a series of questions and really important questions. There's been so much happening in the world, there are so many different times in the world, and I don't just mean time-zones but the state of civilizations. There were concentration camps, which were ghastly, and this could be an understatement. The atrocities that gypsies, jews, homosexuals amongst other non-Nazi or non-Fascist people went through were ofcourse macabre, but the depiction in the films that I have seen today, they seem almost inconceivable.

What is more disturbing that while so many things around us are happening, we live in such isolation with each other. Ofcourse there is a lot of fascination in thinking what must be going on in a relatively low-key geography say Nicaragua or Kazakhstan, but surely we all live in different times, because we have different problems, big and small and different insecurities, big and small to deal with.
But sometimes our daily blithe lives, with a little bit of sport and good food and lectures and assignments and trips and facebook seem so insignificant or ill-deserved and petty in front of such insufferable insults that countries and political systems and civilians and armies and children and lovers have been afflicted with.


The problem might be of too much complacency. Like Mathew says, we think we're above the system. That there are problems that can't reach us. But the more we feel less remote to them, the more sensitive we can become. I am restless, but the storms in my mind come and go. They don't cause much damage, meaning, no sooner that things touch me, than they settle. And there is little I end up doing about something that affected and overwhelmed me so completely just some time back. Not that I'm already back living it up, but I will still become more conforming than I'd liked to be.
That perhaps also makes me more hypocritical than anything else. Just hypothetically, i'd like to see how different I'd be if I were to be the things I can't contemplate being, but I defend and things that don't enjoy acceptance or tolerance in my neighbourhood. I don't think I can spell those things out here, but maybe it could make sense with more than one context.

Also the panoramic view looks vastly different from the much more closer look at life and discoveries of it. While one could try to know everything in this world, there are also the little happinesses and comforts of the family and friends that you could live for. People could come, enjoy themselves like drunks, mind their business and only their own, mix with neighbours and friends and go watch films with children and then with a lot of peace also depart.

What amazes me that everyday, I note down some things about which I'd like to go back and learn more. So there are limitless possibilities. And everyday, there are some things that are completely overpowering and sweeping. There are books and books to read, films and films to watch and art and more of it to appreciate and critique.
But i will never know enough to do anything about many things. At most I can hold views, change them every now and then but at any point of time, also hold them. But I hate to be passive. I have to respond to nature, to media, to films and to problems around me. I have to be more courageous in holding out my opinion. I also have to be much more curious. I have to be less lazy and more responsible for myself. I have to explore much more with my being, invest in my life, and 100% so. I have to stretch and stretch. And I have to also coil up in bed, reading something nice and listening perhaps to 'lay down beside me', thinking about things and people that are loved immensely.

So ofcourse there are concerns and commotions but be assured- the best is yet to be. A little bit of morning, melody, peace, sweetness and happiness every day, every place.

Later

Lord, I hope this day is good!

Mornings and evenings all were the same
And there was no name till I heard your name
But I knew, when i saw you smile
Now I can rest for awhile

I slept for very little while yesterday for today's presentation on taking khadi garments and ethnic indian wear for the indian diaspora to the UK. It was alright, nothing to write home about, but it was good fun, thinking really hard and arguing about things. Even though I try to stay away from arguments, I end up getting into some anyway. Anyhow, I was asked to score one group's presentation, and it turns out that I ended up being the most non-indulgent in giving scores. But good I did it, or I'd never have come to know that I wasn't as lenient as I thought I was. Anyhow, I'll try to think things through much better next time.

But since then, I've been pretty relaxed and finally it feels like a Sunday. So I've tried to make as much out of it as I could. I played tennis for a little while. And I've observed that I like rallies, I like length and I like it even if it means hitting the ball, straight to where it's coming from, in essence never placing it much. Finishing games and killing balls/shuttles has never been on my radar much. Grapes also might be sour, but they may not necessarily be. But tennis is good. It's just about you, and a little about your opponent. Team-games are always very glutted with politics and a classmate who i thought should've been in the team, has not found a place, and even though I do feel he should find one, I havn't been able to make my case because I dont know exactly why he should be in the team. When I find it, I will let know. Because sometimes, what we think is most democratic and fairest turns totally against the whole cause. And also, I think it is hard to put positive and negative dispositions against things aside. That is why they say, 'Education ruined me.'

Anyhow, also some days are simply better than others. Sometimes, one ends up playing the smoothest shot effortlessly and sometimes, after a lot of thought and will also, one ends up goofing it up. And improvement can be very erratic. It crawls and bounds and gallops and then it also sleeps for a long long time.

I'm excited about tomorrow. There's film studies with Mathew tomorrw, after a long time. But also, I have classes the whole day tomorrow. But there's work to be done too. For eg. the rural report. Remember, long time back, we'd gone through the length of south america on a bike. Anyhow, this too shall pass.

till then, Lord I hope this day is good!
Don Williams

budday mumma budday!!

it's been three hours since my mum's bday began...i called her at 12, not because Debo reminded me exactly one hour before that, but because i just remembered, obviously I just remembered. She seemed dam excited about her b'day, and I reciprocated it too. The good thing, she said, was that i'm on two phones, with my two daughters. Hehe, sounds exactly like mummy. So anyway, I wished her when I was in an auto, coming back from Nerdy's bday, where everyone wished her and she thanked everyone else. She told me that I should treat everyone on her behalf, to which I just nodded :d So anyway, Nerdy had taken us to this really brilliant place, with the most amazing food in Ahmedabad called Haute Peppers, and we had a brilliant time, catching up with old and new friends. And ofcourse, everyone in the group went mad, clicking pictures too. Not that anyone was a photographer, because everyone just wanted to be in the frame and wanted no frame to go waste, without somebody being in it. But the food was also awesome. We had spa penne with tomato, basil sauce, thai curry, margharita, penne alfredo and caeser salad and jalapeno cheese soup. And yes, it tasted as well as it sounds.
Yesterday, while preparing for Nerdy's bday, I went mad, scampering around, looking for streamers, some old pictures to put in her room, cake and gifts. I managed everything, but could not really do much with the streamers and photoes. I'm actually a ball of non-planned, skittish nerves, who doesn't know how to order things on time. So ya, finally i managed everything else at the last moment.

And then, ofcourse, the much awaited Oorja also had to be gotten ready for. Garba is my favourite thing, much like chocolates, pasta, music and mummy. I danced like a fury and wore some outrageous clothes, which can happen only here in MICA and I'm glad I grabbed this opportunity. Anyhow, I danced and danced and at midnight, got the band to wish for Nerdy. She was embarrassed but blushing all the way. When we returned from dancing, we wished her, dunked her, dunked me, dunked some others, cut the cake and ate at TT. By the time, I came back, it was super late. So all night, I was sleepy like a donkey but could not get any sleep because I thought all my limbs had their own lives, refusing to move even when I'd wished them they do. So unable to move much, I got up and tried to sleep and got up and tried to sleep. Didn't work much and I had a good mind to amputate my legs, because the pain had become intolerable. It'd been so nice, if I could put an injection on the bugle of my shins and remove all the pain. Anyhow, I got late for the class in the morning, even though I'd done some pre-reading that same early morning, when sleep wasn't willing to come.
So while, I was carrying the cup of hot tea, running to the class, the storms in my tea-cup caused it to fall on my toes in motion. A similar thing had happened a few days earlier and singed my toes. But anyway it's a good thing. I can always test the water in the bathing tap with my toes then, not feeling the cold and the hot much.

I played Badminton with Tan for a bit, and didn't feel very different from how it felt about 20 days back. But it wasn't very tiring either, because I was playing front.
Anyhow, that pain could've been because of lack of tennis, or lack of something else. These latter lacks I don't understand much. They just happen without much reason and then till fragile egos are squashed, they just stay. Anyway, lacks should fill up with joy, for everyone. Happy birthday and lots of brilliant wishes and a great day for Mummy on her b'day!

Later

anova and arima

Finally, My Econometrics class got over with a bang, with my deciding that if I have dogs in the future (which is highly unlikely) or children, I'm going to nickname them Anova and Arima. I'm highly inspired by Ecometrics and that's one of the major takeaways from the subject. There are other takeaways too, such as how auto-regression and moving averages work and stationarity can be achieved by finding out delta values but I also know, very soon i'm going to drop all of this. Statistics are such a hokum i say. How can random variables in the past years, help to predict a random variable this year. I mean, it's a misnomer I say. How can one explain an aberration and predict it's occurrence in the future. Actually, I have very little faith in the power of probability also but chuck it.

These days, the new object of my affection is tennis. We've stepped onto the next level I think. PK and I do things for this new occupation, that we'd never do for many things else. So when we have appointments in the evening, we go in the thick of the afternoon. These days, we play one rally after the other, which don't last so much, not because we hit a wrong shot but because I crack up thinking Oh God! this is too good to be true :D
we also run a lot in the court, trying to play powerfully and place properly. We don't lob so much. PK nudges nudges the ball, so that it lands on the slant of my racquet and gouge the moving ball, right on the lap of the racquet, scooping it such that I dont have to bend to pick it up. Fancy :D. And I have to buy new shoes, because my soul has stopped moving up and down with my foot so that it feels restricted and bridled. We're going to be the new legends that started so late, but win all the slams by 45.:D. Even if I put all the jokes aside, I have to say, we're improving and we feel extremely accomplished after playing. In our dreams to stay fit and athletic, playing tennis is like a definite impetus. But it also might be because of PK, whose love for the game most certainly bears upon mine. Finding a player, who's exactly the same level as you in terms of the quality of game, shares a similar liking for it and refuses to give up, atleast for some time, is almost like finding the most right and similar friend. Both are pretty rare, or atleast found with much difficulty.

Last night, we had a nice Morgan accompanying us on our trip into the night. It was spicy and the tongue could tell it's that. We had chips and lemon and lots of talking, along with it too. But it totally stole the thunder. It made me long for bed every now and then though, but it was only morning when i finally got to hit it. But ya it was nice chatting up with Tan and PK.

India won, and not that I know much about test cricket, I was slightly sad to see Sourav Ganguli retire. He's been one of my more favourite players. I liked the absolute grace with which he made his way to the team again. Quite an example.

Besides these things, there are some other things that need mention. I'm going to look more South Indian today than anytime else. It's because mummy is making me participate in the 'cutest' baby fancy dress. She's going to dress me up and make me look pretty :D

I'm going to be back with another story of indulgence. Till then, play it. Play it high and short and deep and low. Play it with flourish, applauding gallery lo!

Later

got sweetly bashed up!

i have come to some important conclusions today. less is more...and much much better. So the dissertation that i was fussing over so much, has completely left me sad and rather pitiful. I'd read up online on climate change and all and apparently the panel couldn't see through my focus at all. So the focus which was supposed to be broader in the beginning and much narrower later, from the literature review to the research proposal showed little. so they asked me to redo it a little bit, maybe having a more specific thing to talk about. So for the presentation, I ranted and ranted,which is what I do in most presentations and bored the panel. And I felt both things, ranting and boring. Anyway, apparently my proposal wouldn't be able to achieve much in 2 years let alone 5 months.
But the feedback was healthy. Very nicely i got *u**** over by the best, most harmless panel, who wouldn't harm a fly :) So now, I'll work on it again. Hopefully I should not flunk, but who can guarantee that.

So that was the sad bit, but then I slept and dreamt one dream after another. Really funny ones, which I remember but they're insanely arbid. So thankfully PK woke me up to play tennis. These days, tennis keeps me going. So however bad our days go, it's tennis that sort of pulls us out of our sadness :) Oh by the way, these days both PK and i are improving a great deal. There are things we can do now, that we woudn't be able to do before. These days balls go in the same direction as we mean to hit it. We can play half volleys if balls are very long. We can also defy the net in a manner of kissing it and having it pass because of more power in shots. We dont have to run around much fetching the ball from the shrubs full of snakes and frogs. Some of the most comforting things are, when I run through the length and breadth of the court to play and manage to send the ball flying in PK's court. Also, a fresh glass of nimbu paani is absolute bliss. It's as comforting as the thought of a big task accomplished and accomplished well, after a lot of work. Anyhow, I love to play with virgin balls huhahaha. I can't say whether the pun was intended or not. Anyway, they make a sound that old ones don't and don't need that much power. Even some of the native monkeys come and watch our game sometimes. Then random people playing basketball come and say that we're picking up well :D But anyway, I'm too old to do anything about it. I just plain love playing :D

So ya tennis is great. Then we had the Y Y session, where we talked about expectations and how to plan careers. We spoke about how compromises are choices and therefore, deserve no reciprocity. We were taught to learn to enjoy the journey, enjoy every step. We shouldnt be fussy about how the first step is going to look, because that will not ensure our second one. Infact we should be more concerned to enjoy the thrills in the journey. All this for our career. Also, in view of the prevailing recession, we are constantly warned against bad placements scene.

But the day's not come to an end yet. It's 5.30 in the morning and therefore it must be 12 in Greenwich and breakfast-like time in oriental countries. Good god, I must sleep or I'll get dark circles. Worse, I won't get breakfast. But before that, I played lots of Monopoly with Nerdy, who by the way has completely transformed after her recent trip to Calcutta. But no one should play Monopoly with her. She intimidates and knows all the rules properly and makes for demanding partner. She knows how to trade and add and subtract money, and consolidate houses and hotels. Infact, after playing Monopoly today, I thought it must've played an important role in making her the way she is. That's a dangerous thing :D.
But played with less thinking kind of people, I'm sure it can be a very interesting game. I'll wait for my chances with some other people. Till then

later

Lovers

Yet another train journey!

These last some days have gone past me exactly like a dream, like a really fast one. I remember a lot of things about it, and I forget a lot of others. I don’t really remember the sequence so much, not how it began but I do remember that it turned from a slow, laid-back holiday on the terrace when pappa used to go to the office like any other time, mummy saw the market come up and down and down and down many times over and Debo went to the college and Zoo’s presence was eagerly awaited, turned into a great fun family event wherein there were lot of things to do for home and there were people to visit and poojas to attend and designs to make, and friends to meet and lots of food to eat and lots of homework to bare and lights and ‘deeyas’ to be lit, weird saris to be draped, Debo’s rants and complaints about some dramatic sporting events to be heard and the subsequent reprimands from Zoo to be heard too, beautiful morning teas to be had and the wonderful home-made ‘namkeen’ to be had too. And offcourse there were lazy mornings and sleepy nights to be embraced too.

Anyhow, these last some days I’ve spent at my home in Indore and I really wished if I could earn a living out of this, out of just sitting and enjoying at home, if I could give everything else, college, studies, work, work-load, deadlines, crowd, traffic, strangers, pollution, etc. a miss altogether.

So ya, right now I’m in the train and when I look back, I just feel it was perfect. A perfect Diwali to celebrate with my favourite people at my favourite place. I’m sure I’m not going to feel like this tomorrow morning. Things don’t stay with me very long, so I’ll like the rush in college too.

Ya so yesterday I went to this engagement party, where we met a lot of people. Not that it was lots of fun, but generally it was interesting to see people behave with each other and talk and smile and check their beautiful, silk dresses out and catch up and talk about their children and parents and having the variety of food, that was on offer. I for one, tried a lot of things out and my dad would find me with the plate everytime he saw me. He even pointed it out to me, saying how long would I take to finish and appear less greedy but I had to keep trying. I was standing for chaat for pretty long and I’ve realized the trick to having the guy give you chaat first is to ask him to put less masala or some more dahi or no chatni, so no one else would have it and it be understood as yours and only yours.

Anyway, I also ran into some old friends here and there and caught up again on what we’d missed. Some very interesting things emerged like classmates’ engagements and appointments into colleges and jobs. But everyone is more and less settled with what he or she is doing, in places they’d most likely want to be in. And then I also realized how sometimes we just know people and it’s good but how there may have been some more to know but then earlier we just didn’t know them because it just wouldn’t come to that. And I also think, it’s best like that. Anyhow, I think one time, we should all just sit down in a circle, catch up with each other, past education forgotten and talk about things big and small, things that interest multiple people and things that old friends talk about.

I also made some interesting observations and discoveries in these Diwali get-togethers that we have. That singing sometimes becomes an addiction and some songs dope. Sometimes, you also get annoyed with yourself for singing and humming and not stopping the same song that you chided at someone else for singing. That everyone is asked to sing sometimes no matter how well or badly you might sing. That husbands and wives can be really possessive for each other. That one has to be very intelligent and prompt for some games in cards and it's not everyone's cup of tea. That I get extremely excitable when I started playing cards the first time, this Diwali when I played Black Jack with some of my cousins. That I'm not lucky with too much luck when it comes to playing with money. And going to 'Om Namkeen' for shopping for the kitchen is lots of fun because you get to taste and taste and then buy what you want. That beginner's luck stands and stands much too straight.

Anyhow, I have gotten some good food from home that I hope to share with my friends along with some great stories to tell. Going back to college should be very interesting too. There’ll be more work for me, more late nights and deadlines, more tennis and baddy and more eccentric routines.

Later