It's been an insane amount of time that I've written; Can't say nothing has happened in the meantime; Infact some significant progress has been made in life and profession (Claimer: Don't mean any significant change in roles; but progress nevertheless).
I've had a lot of decisions to make in the last. It's like a snarl-up of wires that you're trying very hard to undo. But it's a matter of just stretching it to its full length and there you are- the tangle is resolved. The questions just get puzzled out themselves sometimes, without having to take much action.
Briefly, I've put in my papers at work for a whole bunch of reasons; Decided to relocate to Indore (hometown) and give a crack at working with Dad in a highly B2B exercise. So for now, maybe no looking out for other branding/market research opportunities;
Agree more than ever that people don't leave jobs, they leave their bosses. It's so important to not let your self-worth get affected by whimsical people around you. It's so important to keep the bigger picture in mind while working in the microcosm of the corporate life. At all times, zoom out and take a macro view. It's so important to know that you have to enjoy doing what you're being made to do because yes, life is passing afterall! Anyhow think that was all the pontification, i could dish up.
Meanwhile, I've got mixed responses from working with folks in the modest town of Indore. I will take it though like this- a golden opportunity to help my folks, make them happier (fyi- our very presence lightens my parents up :)), try and lend my dad a hand at work so he can take Saturdays off; Play tennis and tone up; basically an overhaul.
On the flipside it's babye to Mumbai for now. Truth be told, don't think I have given the city enough opportunity to indulge me. Maybe I can come back sometime in the future and agree to be pleased; I will, though take some professionalism, timeliness, unrelenting attitude, etc, with me, everywhere.
If one has to tap foot in cadence with the city, we've got to first feel the beat and then start to tango. For new comers, don’t just crash into the new rhythm, without knowing that a fair amount of work would be required to settle it in, with the city and its people. Didn't know any metropolis could make such a difference and teach you some. The amount I've discovered, imagined and reimagined about myself in this one year has been brilliant.
Cheers to a Mumbai I haven't gotten to know and the one I've begrudged of some of my other battles. Cheers also to its mild monsoon, when the passage down to the road from my place has looked stunning, under the canopy of trees.
Meanwhile, there's much joy in stumbling upon the radio in the telephone and the several stations they play here in Mumbai, after purchasing the phone some 8 months back.
Also, I was struggling with a few names and words in the start of the day. But both words and thoughts have a talent of finding their way to you, when you are struggling to find them. They may not come to you at the exact time when you might need them, but they do much to alleviate that unsettling feeling that keeps you from moving on or concentrating on things, next.
Looking forward to a fun-filled and enriching home life (some would call it a country-side existence), to the slough-movement, to living with family and other learnings. Looking forward to really sound sleeps after terribly worked-up and tired days. That I know is one sure-shot way of drifting off the minute you lay yourself horizontal.
I've realized that sometimes we might not have enough to write and thinking that may not want to sit down, open the window and start writing. But an open canvas is so inviting and almost prods one to think and then write. It's awesome.
Don't want to commit myself to it but hopefully I'll write next about a different kind of experiences and life that I've only lived and celebrated vicariously or sometime back, in the past.
Later
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
and this is how it works!
Just a word (will take more liberty than that) about some of my key natures, that I've only just understood. I start to cry every now and then. And just for a quick background, I'm not one to cry easily. I cry when I'm stuck for subsequent traffic signal cycles (On the same bally signal). I cry when my auto-rickshaw takes me on the wrong lane, and we get marginalized by both scales of vehicles- Trucks and cycles alike. I cry when the rickshaw breaks down without preamble. Sometimes when the fast train has just gone past me, despite my desperate running for it. When the nearby BEST bus issues black smoke and mounds of cough collect in my pharynx. Very few times when we take a route, get stuck in a jam, take a longer detour, backwards where we came from, and get stuck yet again. And face exactly what we'd attempted so hard to avoid, etc. Imagine I'd be sobbing when 2 or more of these happen one after the other.
But that's not key. What is key is that one of the important ways of remedying that is by cutting vegetables and cooking something great sounding. (Of course, notwithstanding how it turns out).
I believe that what is even more key is that I hardly do anything concrete to permanently REMOVE this traffic in my life. I think the way this crying business works is that it rinses and purges you in ways that makes you more content and procrastinating, till I'm in for the torment again. Of course my ability to keep taking it and going on doesn't help or helps. Wonder when things actually do come to the end of a tether? Or is it fictional? Or I lack the faculty to feel it? Or is it that things will never really become as bad as to not be able to become worse. Or is it just a bad day?
Later (On a better one)
But that's not key. What is key is that one of the important ways of remedying that is by cutting vegetables and cooking something great sounding. (Of course, notwithstanding how it turns out).
I believe that what is even more key is that I hardly do anything concrete to permanently REMOVE this traffic in my life. I think the way this crying business works is that it rinses and purges you in ways that makes you more content and procrastinating, till I'm in for the torment again. Of course my ability to keep taking it and going on doesn't help or helps. Wonder when things actually do come to the end of a tether? Or is it fictional? Or I lack the faculty to feel it? Or is it that things will never really become as bad as to not be able to become worse. Or is it just a bad day?
Later (On a better one)
Friday, March 5, 2010
Ya, Go on prattle
You write and write and don't publish it. Mostly because you know it makes sense only to you. But no matter how much you try, building context would be both difficult and dangerous, which make me feel lazy, both. Hence.
From one became 2 and now it seems like such a long time.
Hopefully just like your old hills, it should last indefinitely.
Well if it does, then I'll continue to ramble every day about mundane and serious stuff alike, and calling names in loud interjections and then getting into that rut, hard to escape and then calling everyone by the same name as you.
Meanwhile you stay at charming. And since it's been a couple now, you should definitely slow down. And yet, slowing down would make things worse. It would make the distance and the philia almost painful. And pacing up wouldn't help either. It would rob off the relish from it.
Going back to that time in the trudging bus, sultry capital, the crowded streets of Mumbai, followed by solitary, the smashed nights, the fighting and depressing days, the few north-bound visits, the many south-bound visits and a couple to my sweet little village, I just cannot tell the difference between then and now. As I look back at those times, they just come alive, so visual and graphic but I cannot tell whether it was then or now? Except, experientially, I'm more seasoned. Maybe, I can predict better. Maybe I can be pre-empted better. May be not. But the hope is- it would continue. If it does, I'll be obliged.
But you always play down important landmarks and play up not so important ones. No harm in the latter but I propose to do great things with the former as well. I propose to plan better and have more fun, so that there's no boredom in my company ;) And stop throwing your moody fits, they're endearing but taxing. Or go on doing what you're best at, for more such time.
Anyhow, good to know you. In fact great to know you. You've made some waits, less boring. In fact, you may have been responsible for the former. Don't quite know. You have inspired but what's the point, you were the competition. I'd like to offer my fidelity but don't know if there's a need. But it's been more or less unresolved. When you paced the time around me, I'd just stare and when I was moving, time would start crawling. So it all finally amounts to...let' say a hill of beans :D
Later
From one became 2 and now it seems like such a long time.
Hopefully just like your old hills, it should last indefinitely.
Well if it does, then I'll continue to ramble every day about mundane and serious stuff alike, and calling names in loud interjections and then getting into that rut, hard to escape and then calling everyone by the same name as you.
Meanwhile you stay at charming. And since it's been a couple now, you should definitely slow down. And yet, slowing down would make things worse. It would make the distance and the philia almost painful. And pacing up wouldn't help either. It would rob off the relish from it.
Going back to that time in the trudging bus, sultry capital, the crowded streets of Mumbai, followed by solitary, the smashed nights, the fighting and depressing days, the few north-bound visits, the many south-bound visits and a couple to my sweet little village, I just cannot tell the difference between then and now. As I look back at those times, they just come alive, so visual and graphic but I cannot tell whether it was then or now? Except, experientially, I'm more seasoned. Maybe, I can predict better. Maybe I can be pre-empted better. May be not. But the hope is- it would continue. If it does, I'll be obliged.
But you always play down important landmarks and play up not so important ones. No harm in the latter but I propose to do great things with the former as well. I propose to plan better and have more fun, so that there's no boredom in my company ;) And stop throwing your moody fits, they're endearing but taxing. Or go on doing what you're best at, for more such time.
Anyhow, good to know you. In fact great to know you. You've made some waits, less boring. In fact, you may have been responsible for the former. Don't quite know. You have inspired but what's the point, you were the competition. I'd like to offer my fidelity but don't know if there's a need. But it's been more or less unresolved. When you paced the time around me, I'd just stare and when I was moving, time would start crawling. So it all finally amounts to...let' say a hill of beans :D
Later
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Backing Out; Sizing Up
More to less. Too much to too little.
Deluge to famine~
This is because it's been more than a month since I've written.
And have wanted to write every now and then. When I came back from a brilliant vacation to Pondicherry with wonderful people. When I went home for the Christmas break and loved it. When I returned, into the New Year, to a pretty sweltry Mumbai. When we got serenaded by some pretty fine music on the Durshet picnic. And when this and that. But now I just forget.
As I try to stir my mind up for some dope, general ponderings on a choice gone-just-a-little-amiss.
1. Small fish in a big pond is not that bad after all. The ocean supports the whales as much as the shrimps. The small fry find their troupe and you get a well-functioning, enthusiastic and fun team.
2. What good are systems that enslave and not facilitate. A certain amount of chaos might help organizations tide through. A little bit of improvization is always a good idea.
The problem with the market research industry is that sticking to set processes (that haven't been changed or infact been stifled to evolve) has become the end. This is typically how the tail wags the dog. So they're trying to frantically follow your method of recording data, transcription, content analysis, in the same rut, whereas the situation is desperate for something more. For better note-taking, presentation, etc. Let innovation be rewarded!
3. Imagine how nice it would be in some circles to see what flavours of chocolates do children like best, if there is a ready market for black-heads remover market, if a certain bank's portfolio management is on track or if the vodka in some other format is taken to by the brand loyalists. It is indeed fantastic to look at so many product categories, consumer segments and need states. But getting flustered under the weight of paper-work and insane amount of content analysis is not what I ask.
4. In the rush to examine products and consumers, researchers are drawing extensively on stereotypes. A research which would otherwise be thorough in 5 weeks is commissioned for 2 (ofcourse the client is the king; he says 2, it is 2) and therefore a certain researcher thought that one of the things that chocolates do is to bribe the child for studying, (because she remembers doing that with her own child), even though not a single mention was made by the sample, in that direction.
Ofcourse, the name of the game is to remove biases as much as possible, but in the manic race towards a deadline, biases are all they live by.
5. In Qualitative research, the numbers are so small, the sample so unrepresentative that every comment has to be measured most carefully. (Like everything else, there is little time for that).
3. The market research agency culture is blighted to treat employees a.k.a 'resources' like other non-living resources that probably don't need an open door, continuous feedback and constructive criticism.
The fear to face a senior, who's faced with fear of a client research team who in turn is faced with the fear of reporting to the product team is a vicious circle. Where's the good work in a sadistic world?
4. Our lobby (The resources' lobby) is such a weakling. One doesn't need to feel guilty for wanting a weekend, which I'm afraid has become the norm. Work extremely hard; plug away at work; Toil for reports on fire, but working without a shred of knowledge if the work is any good or not, whether it's going to be used or not; whether it needs refinement or nuancing (feedback in short) is like a car whirring it's engine mad, to thrust out from a mucky cavity for take-off.
The deal is I can work in the corporate world but can't make my world so corporate (read static . Once I'm back from work in the evening sometime, I want to cook my food, walk back to my place listening to some music, Facebook for a while and then sleep a good night's sleep like in a Cittaslow town!
Later
Deluge to famine~
This is because it's been more than a month since I've written.
And have wanted to write every now and then. When I came back from a brilliant vacation to Pondicherry with wonderful people. When I went home for the Christmas break and loved it. When I returned, into the New Year, to a pretty sweltry Mumbai. When we got serenaded by some pretty fine music on the Durshet picnic. And when this and that. But now I just forget.
As I try to stir my mind up for some dope, general ponderings on a choice gone-just-a-little-amiss.
1. Small fish in a big pond is not that bad after all. The ocean supports the whales as much as the shrimps. The small fry find their troupe and you get a well-functioning, enthusiastic and fun team.
2. What good are systems that enslave and not facilitate. A certain amount of chaos might help organizations tide through. A little bit of improvization is always a good idea.
The problem with the market research industry is that sticking to set processes (that haven't been changed or infact been stifled to evolve) has become the end. This is typically how the tail wags the dog. So they're trying to frantically follow your method of recording data, transcription, content analysis, in the same rut, whereas the situation is desperate for something more. For better note-taking, presentation, etc. Let innovation be rewarded!
3. Imagine how nice it would be in some circles to see what flavours of chocolates do children like best, if there is a ready market for black-heads remover market, if a certain bank's portfolio management is on track or if the vodka in some other format is taken to by the brand loyalists. It is indeed fantastic to look at so many product categories, consumer segments and need states. But getting flustered under the weight of paper-work and insane amount of content analysis is not what I ask.
4. In the rush to examine products and consumers, researchers are drawing extensively on stereotypes. A research which would otherwise be thorough in 5 weeks is commissioned for 2 (ofcourse the client is the king; he says 2, it is 2) and therefore a certain researcher thought that one of the things that chocolates do is to bribe the child for studying, (because she remembers doing that with her own child), even though not a single mention was made by the sample, in that direction.
Ofcourse, the name of the game is to remove biases as much as possible, but in the manic race towards a deadline, biases are all they live by.
5. In Qualitative research, the numbers are so small, the sample so unrepresentative that every comment has to be measured most carefully. (Like everything else, there is little time for that).
3. The market research agency culture is blighted to treat employees a.k.a 'resources' like other non-living resources that probably don't need an open door, continuous feedback and constructive criticism.
The fear to face a senior, who's faced with fear of a client research team who in turn is faced with the fear of reporting to the product team is a vicious circle. Where's the good work in a sadistic world?
4. Our lobby (The resources' lobby) is such a weakling. One doesn't need to feel guilty for wanting a weekend, which I'm afraid has become the norm. Work extremely hard; plug away at work; Toil for reports on fire, but working without a shred of knowledge if the work is any good or not, whether it's going to be used or not; whether it needs refinement or nuancing (feedback in short) is like a car whirring it's engine mad, to thrust out from a mucky cavity for take-off.
The deal is I can work in the corporate world but can't make my world so corporate (read static . Once I'm back from work in the evening sometime, I want to cook my food, walk back to my place listening to some music, Facebook for a while and then sleep a good night's sleep like in a Cittaslow town!
Later
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
There is a huge mis-match between when you might have the time and when creative juices are surging out of you. But before I begin, this is to warn you, this is when I have the time, and nothing creative to offer.
It's been an era, like a long movie that doesn't end. It's not like my film hasn't experienced good and bad in this period, it just hasn't given me enough time to ponder it 'black and white' down.
Anyhow, sometimes i feel so damn unlucky. Having to stay in a difficult place like Mumbai- in a year when metro is being constructed left, right and centre. Having to pass out in a year when recession hit our personal lives so much that every now and then I end up asking why this year? Having to be the only victims of Vista (The blasted thing from Microsoft) and crawl and keep crawling in it. And then having to get into a year when holidays are on weekends, etc.
But at other times....i just thank i wasn't around on VT station just a year back, trying to head home after a tired day at work.
Anyhow, later, one day, a girl asked me why i was reading in the train, and answered her own question by asknig another one- 'You have exams?'. That's the trouble. People think that you read only for exams and exams necesssarily require reading.
Another day, 2 women fought in the bus and like how? 'Tu har*****, tu har*****', is what the entire debate came to. I think smart things just don't occur to you in trains and buses, while fighting with people. One day a lady curtly- (unperturbed like she was God or something) told me- 'It's not your house' and I asked her- 'Is it yours?'. Such acute shortage of smart answers.
Later, Minkie- the chinkie paid me a visit, which overwhelmed me a lot. Zoo- the goon made me brilliant Apple-cinnamon cake, got me a Corby (yes my new baby and the one I'm married to, ((the incestuous life I lead)), with which I'm in total love.
Hyperlink- review of Corby (In process).
Later, visit to home for 2 big weddings in my small town. In that small town, you know everyone and vice-versa. In that little town, we eat the most sumptuous 'chaat' and 'kachoris'. And in that same town, the blistering and blurring sun turns into a nice-orange hue in the winters and keeps you company on the terrace, with small fairy lights in the distance for christmas and big and vivid crackers' patterns in the sky (with loud weddings). And now even better things happen in that small town. Time stands still, trots, canters and before you know it, starts to gallop you out into this big chaotic world all over again.
Anyhow, I'm known to spread rumours about that place. (To the order of it's fully wi-fied) :D.
Later, I realize, people also, like some songs from Dev D, grow on you. You like them, and then they crack a joke that relegates them to the 2nd grade, but funnily you still like them and more funnily you start liking the joke also. Funny ~
Later, I go to Pondi with my near and dear ones (yes, archaic but true). Awaiting the bike rides, walks on the Tamily-French beaches, interesting food, French curios, etc. and ofcourse, 2010.
Bring it on then!
Later
p.s. pictures in the evening from the new Corby- Dhan-te-nan
It's been an era, like a long movie that doesn't end. It's not like my film hasn't experienced good and bad in this period, it just hasn't given me enough time to ponder it 'black and white' down.
Anyhow, sometimes i feel so damn unlucky. Having to stay in a difficult place like Mumbai- in a year when metro is being constructed left, right and centre. Having to pass out in a year when recession hit our personal lives so much that every now and then I end up asking why this year? Having to be the only victims of Vista (The blasted thing from Microsoft) and crawl and keep crawling in it. And then having to get into a year when holidays are on weekends, etc.
But at other times....i just thank i wasn't around on VT station just a year back, trying to head home after a tired day at work.
Anyhow, later, one day, a girl asked me why i was reading in the train, and answered her own question by asknig another one- 'You have exams?'. That's the trouble. People think that you read only for exams and exams necesssarily require reading.
Another day, 2 women fought in the bus and like how? 'Tu har*****, tu har*****', is what the entire debate came to. I think smart things just don't occur to you in trains and buses, while fighting with people. One day a lady curtly- (unperturbed like she was God or something) told me- 'It's not your house' and I asked her- 'Is it yours?'. Such acute shortage of smart answers.
Later, Minkie- the chinkie paid me a visit, which overwhelmed me a lot. Zoo- the goon made me brilliant Apple-cinnamon cake, got me a Corby (yes my new baby and the one I'm married to, ((the incestuous life I lead)), with which I'm in total love.
Hyperlink- review of Corby (In process).
Later, visit to home for 2 big weddings in my small town. In that small town, you know everyone and vice-versa. In that little town, we eat the most sumptuous 'chaat' and 'kachoris'. And in that same town, the blistering and blurring sun turns into a nice-orange hue in the winters and keeps you company on the terrace, with small fairy lights in the distance for christmas and big and vivid crackers' patterns in the sky (with loud weddings). And now even better things happen in that small town. Time stands still, trots, canters and before you know it, starts to gallop you out into this big chaotic world all over again.
Anyhow, I'm known to spread rumours about that place. (To the order of it's fully wi-fied) :D.
Later, I realize, people also, like some songs from Dev D, grow on you. You like them, and then they crack a joke that relegates them to the 2nd grade, but funnily you still like them and more funnily you start liking the joke also. Funny ~
Later, I go to Pondi with my near and dear ones (yes, archaic but true). Awaiting the bike rides, walks on the Tamily-French beaches, interesting food, French curios, etc. and ofcourse, 2010.
Bring it on then!
Later
p.s. pictures in the evening from the new Corby- Dhan-te-nan
Thursday, October 29, 2009
But Still :( :) :D ;), etc.
1.I can live alone famously, without the fear of ghosts, spirits, neighbours, badgering maid-internet guy-watchmen.
But still there are days, when you just wake up on the wrong side, ending up sleeping also on one, dissatisfied with some real averageness of the day. Thank God for all the funny, intelligent and slapstick sitcoms that America has made. They can keep you company well.
2.While I end up having a decent time on weekends with Zoo and friends, calling friends over, meeting them, or even by yourself watching a film and cooking food, the weekdays are the same ole Forrest-gumping around the city and corporate. Therefore I can’t say this is hell AND high-water.
But still, we live in day-to-day’s and not on weekends. These weekends are thus lone islands, more like oases after drudging along for days, or what seem like days in sandy deserts of Mumbai.
Life is like a damn pie here. Contingent upon good, bad, ugly rains, crowded, timely and delayed trains and BEST’s, the car ahead of us, the ‘pandals’ for elections and festivals, the rumour or reality of swine flu, a moody boss, a depressive, recovering economic state, a truant, forgetful maid, an irresponsible land-lord, the street dogs who fight with other dogs because they protect and scare you at the same time, the metro construction, a very famous singer’s wishes, availability of running water only at 2 fixed hours of the day, the temples of religion who decide to spread their sermons far and wide and of course your own ghosts.
3.Sometimes, when you try to concentrate, all you can hear is the tip-tap of keyboards, of course apart from the drone of the ac which cackles every now and then and the thrumming of people talking on the phone.
But still, it is far better than the silence of a lonely night, the quiet of an angry friend and a pregnant waiting.
4.I’ve no idea how to go back to writing, after such a long time with a torrent of mixed emotions and thoughts without being extremely disorganized and incoherent.
But still, one must keep going, even if it’s not good enough, just to break the jinx.
5.One of these days, I fell on the platform, while getting off the train, while it screeched to a halt, thinking I’d land vertically, just like some others were doing. Got my bearings soon after and collected myself. Looked back and saw everyone was impervious.
But still, one act of kindness, one hand to reach out to pull you on the train or even one smile to suggest we’re all in the mess together is just much weightier than that cold of people who would just continue to their cushy offices.
6.Every year, going home from wherever you are for Diwali is a very deep-rooted tradition. This year also, despite work, both Zoo and I went home, going about doing Pooja’s in all the possible places, eating rich food and meeting people.
But still it’s not one I would like to tamper much with. I’m deeply pulled by all the bric-a-bracs, deeyas, rangolis, lamps, etc. Besides that sense of ‘missing something’ is way too powerful in me. I don’t mean it in the emotional kind of way, but in a ‘lost opportunity, that time and space- where you weren’t, but could’ve been’ sort of way. Anyhow……
7.I cook a hell lot these days. But the amount I brag about it, one must feel that I'm a humdinger or something but far and away from it. I've to tell here, that if I continue to cook at this rate, I might as well be one hell of an experimental cook.
But still, I’d die a cook who doesn’t know the exact measures for 1 recipe. Just like in life, jack of all trades. I'll be the material mummies don't always like. Salt and pepper are always here and there. In cooking, Zoo for instance, who is a purist, will come away slightly better I think.
Just like conversations can be interrupted a good deal by the use of many fancy-incomprehensible words, so can a food-preparation. I cannot make a dish reak of garlic, cinnamon, asofoetida, bay leaves, basil, all at the same time. The use of all of them leads to bastadization and nullifying each and every taste. The other day I made pulao and the number of times I had to spit the cardamom seeds, cloves and bay leaves is not funny.
8.Reading in the loo has become a big problem because nose keeps leaking all the time. No matter how stiff I kept myself, my nose had this rebellious way to flout.
But still, there are other opportunities presenting themselves, for instance you can read in the train, in the bus, without feeling sorry about the wasted time in commute. I’m happy to know I’m adopting some brilliant adaptive and behavioral coping mechanisms.
Later
But still there are days, when you just wake up on the wrong side, ending up sleeping also on one, dissatisfied with some real averageness of the day. Thank God for all the funny, intelligent and slapstick sitcoms that America has made. They can keep you company well.
2.While I end up having a decent time on weekends with Zoo and friends, calling friends over, meeting them, or even by yourself watching a film and cooking food, the weekdays are the same ole Forrest-gumping around the city and corporate. Therefore I can’t say this is hell AND high-water.
But still, we live in day-to-day’s and not on weekends. These weekends are thus lone islands, more like oases after drudging along for days, or what seem like days in sandy deserts of Mumbai.
Life is like a damn pie here. Contingent upon good, bad, ugly rains, crowded, timely and delayed trains and BEST’s, the car ahead of us, the ‘pandals’ for elections and festivals, the rumour or reality of swine flu, a moody boss, a depressive, recovering economic state, a truant, forgetful maid, an irresponsible land-lord, the street dogs who fight with other dogs because they protect and scare you at the same time, the metro construction, a very famous singer’s wishes, availability of running water only at 2 fixed hours of the day, the temples of religion who decide to spread their sermons far and wide and of course your own ghosts.
3.Sometimes, when you try to concentrate, all you can hear is the tip-tap of keyboards, of course apart from the drone of the ac which cackles every now and then and the thrumming of people talking on the phone.
But still, it is far better than the silence of a lonely night, the quiet of an angry friend and a pregnant waiting.
4.I’ve no idea how to go back to writing, after such a long time with a torrent of mixed emotions and thoughts without being extremely disorganized and incoherent.
But still, one must keep going, even if it’s not good enough, just to break the jinx.
5.One of these days, I fell on the platform, while getting off the train, while it screeched to a halt, thinking I’d land vertically, just like some others were doing. Got my bearings soon after and collected myself. Looked back and saw everyone was impervious.
But still, one act of kindness, one hand to reach out to pull you on the train or even one smile to suggest we’re all in the mess together is just much weightier than that cold of people who would just continue to their cushy offices.
6.Every year, going home from wherever you are for Diwali is a very deep-rooted tradition. This year also, despite work, both Zoo and I went home, going about doing Pooja’s in all the possible places, eating rich food and meeting people.
But still it’s not one I would like to tamper much with. I’m deeply pulled by all the bric-a-bracs, deeyas, rangolis, lamps, etc. Besides that sense of ‘missing something’ is way too powerful in me. I don’t mean it in the emotional kind of way, but in a ‘lost opportunity, that time and space- where you weren’t, but could’ve been’ sort of way. Anyhow……
7.I cook a hell lot these days. But the amount I brag about it, one must feel that I'm a humdinger or something but far and away from it. I've to tell here, that if I continue to cook at this rate, I might as well be one hell of an experimental cook.
But still, I’d die a cook who doesn’t know the exact measures for 1 recipe. Just like in life, jack of all trades. I'll be the material mummies don't always like. Salt and pepper are always here and there. In cooking, Zoo for instance, who is a purist, will come away slightly better I think.
Just like conversations can be interrupted a good deal by the use of many fancy-incomprehensible words, so can a food-preparation. I cannot make a dish reak of garlic, cinnamon, asofoetida, bay leaves, basil, all at the same time. The use of all of them leads to bastadization and nullifying each and every taste. The other day I made pulao and the number of times I had to spit the cardamom seeds, cloves and bay leaves is not funny.
8.Reading in the loo has become a big problem because nose keeps leaking all the time. No matter how stiff I kept myself, my nose had this rebellious way to flout.
But still, there are other opportunities presenting themselves, for instance you can read in the train, in the bus, without feeling sorry about the wasted time in commute. I’m happy to know I’m adopting some brilliant adaptive and behavioral coping mechanisms.
Later
Sunday, September 13, 2009
A horrible chaos of thoughts
Hi.
Day 0.
1. The problem with writing after a long time is that you have all these stories tarrying along in your head that you need to take out, then ofcourse, there are a lot of little-bits about them that you forget but you should have told. But it would have been so much better if we had a pensieve and we could store all our memories. So that the impact is not lost.
2. life in mumbai has been a bit of a treadmill of events, revelations and realizations.
3. I come back crying a lot of times home, saying i'm quitting work. I'm quitting mumbai because of the sum of things that I continue to dislike about living here. But Zoo abides by me and cools me down. I think she's scared to face a disgruntled and upset sister.
4. The other day, I got caught in the smidgeon of the balcony because I accidentally slid the sliding glass door shut. So the only way one could open it without breaking it was by inside. I yelled and yelled and asked for help. Ofcourse I was rescued and hence I'm writing today. But I got a very Prince-like feeling. No, not that Prince. The one that got caught in the pit/man-hole.
5. Meanwhile people continue to scramble in the buses and trains. But the interesting thing is that I do manage to find familiar faces in the trains. Sometimes they're so familiar that it occurs to me, Id just seen that lady in the morning train.
6. The city might be a little difficult
People can be seen talking to themselves or crying to themselves. Walk through my office in fort to the VT station, and despite the rush that you might be in to catch up with office or train, you can take notice of such people.
It is quite baffling to see the immense poverty in this city.
7. Ive come to the conclusion that it's a test and i'd hate to give up
I feel angry for feeling victimized.
it's easier to advise someone, but very difficult to do the same thing. No matter how much this has been used and said, I've only started to understand it now.
8. It's rains in Mumbai every now and then. But the threats of floods have sort-of been empty. Mummy worries sick over that while things run as-it-is in office. She worried sick over swine flu while things ran as-it-is, without a flutter of an eye-lid at office.
9. Weekends come back reallly soon. So do weekdays. But I look forward to weekdays more than weekends. Working on weekends hurts just a little more than working on weekdays.
Day 5
1. Running a household is also quite a task. There's gas, water, laundry, everything to be taken care of.
2. I hate to say, there's no time. I was a big believer of 'taking time out'. I was not so fatalistic either, blaming my mishaps on the city and its many hooks that keep you from flowing uninterruptedly. But I have changed, and I'm due to change again. I'm a small-town girl. And want to go back to that. For ever and all time.
3. But wait a second. Am I putting you through this drone again. So here's a promise for everyone's sake. I will fill up the glass quickly, so that I'm able to see it full again.
Day 6
1. I made a cute little friend in the bus. he kept shooting stary glances at me every now and then. In the middle, he would make faces at his coins.
2. I wonder if I were to champion for equality and not women's rights, then would I ask the guy to get up for me, on the seat, reserved for women??
3. If 2 people are feeling hot and cold, then should the fan be switched on or off? Is feeling hot potentially more harmful or feeling cold.
4. I realize more than ever, we almost always live in greys. Only black and white are black and white respectively. We are the product of our circumstances and now more than ever. Bathing time changes from 30 mind to 15 to even 10, from shower to bucket, from bidets to health faucets to mugs, from everyday, rugged jeans to Indian suits everyday, yes every single day, from being juniors to seniors, from being dumped with work to dumping in turn, from a full-blown meal of raita, papad, butter-milk, friums to a precipitous meal. From tea to no-tea to black-tea. People and ethics change all the time. School, college and work are such different settings. Just for instance, proxies are ever-so-common in college but I wonder how people would take it at work.
Day 4
1. Oh, now I know, why everyday, mundane life might be called a journey. There are a million things you can think of. Trying to come down a slippery, gradient and difficult terrain can be done much better if you can just cruise through, instead of fussing over the stone here and the hedge there. Alternatively, it can be crossed just as well, sitting down at every stone and breathing over it. Even more alternatively, holding someone's hands through a ravine.
2. But the trek was fantastic. It had it's waterfall, rainy and cavy moments. I wonder how much patience those Buddhist monks may have had, trying to carve out those caves in the neck of somewhere.
3. I also get how our fairy tales were so important. We wouldn't have been we, had it not been for hansel and gratel and their crumbs.
4. I realized, how ever much I dread water, and running water, I feel this strange thrill, sitting under the gushing, bouncing water off the cliff.
5. And there are days, when my blonde moments don't end. First, discussing over, whether we were entering the mainland India from the island India through an isthmus, my eyes looked both sides trying to spot water. Ofcourse, spatial intelligence escaped me then and I thought, there was no water on the other side because the world might be my oyster, but definitely not 100 yards long. Similarly, you might be crossing an isthmus, but you might not see water on either side.
6. Oh yes, the world is my little oyster. I have the freedom to do what I like and fight for my rights. And my weekends are mine, and I refuse to let them be intruded upon by anyone. But once the leash is loosened, it is loosened. To get it back, in your clutch might be difficult. So if you allow someone all your time on weekends, over and over again, you start to feel guilty if you try to claim it back later. So start doing it sooner than later. If I have to say, I refuse to work on weekends, I must say it with confidence.
Day 3.
1. Corporate presents itself as a bit of demon. Working is getting crazy. There's just too much to do in too little time. I never thought there'd be no time to stand and stare. I never thought that i'd have no time to write back to people or be so rushed off the feet that 'brb' is the only thing that can be managed.
2. Besides there are too many rules up there. There are corporate manners and etiquette that I'm learning surely but have very little clue about.
Every thing is very measured in that prissy world, with no room to make mistakes. Be careful in writing 'Dear', 'Thank You', 'Regards' and such.
3. Boss takes employees from behind. Walks from behind you and asks you, hey, how’s it going.
4. Standing on the footboard and feeling the Mumbai air, free from its characteristic stench is pleasing.
5. I scratch myself harder, thinking it was a t-shirt i was scratching
6. Work takes over work again. The first work is the politics of work that I have to deal with, the second one is more interesting, it is that I do- ttalk to consumers, analyse their behaviour, etc.
Day 1.
I lament it. With grief. I lament my ant-hood in this vast mess I've gotten into.
I lament the vicious circle.
The daily grind.
I lament my own two appearances all the time.
No, I'm not vulnerable.
You mess with me, and I will be quit of you. And you of me.
We will both be better off.
I lament that I feel spent, in this swamp. And now it's creating such horrid situations that'll be QUIT (in capitals.)
I lament that I can't speak out, that I have the fear of crossing the line, of being thrown out, and when I do, it's met with scorns of 'Oh, you want it easy'. 'These kids'.
But I say, it doesn't matter.
Day 2
Saw Kaminey in Indore.
It is an intelligent film. It dodges one all the time. My parents, ofcourse thought we had a lot of catching up to do everywhere with the film and my mum would actually keep asking my dad or me about what just happened, about what was going on, making us lose the track just a little bit.
There are many other things that I like about the film. The lisp and the stuttering. The use of multiple languages. It dwarfed me in a way.
There was immense dichotomy also in the film. 2 crimes in the same hotel at the same time, 2 Shahids, 2 speech problems, etc. More importantly, such films increase the scope of the film by that much. If they had to tell us everything on reel in 3 hours, it would be difficult, instead it’ll make us fill the gaps ourselves, hence spreading it’s wings far and wide.
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