There is a huge mis-match between when you might have the time and when creative juices are surging out of you. But before I begin, this is to warn you, this is when I have the time, and nothing creative to offer.

It's been an era, like a long movie that doesn't end. It's not like my film hasn't experienced good and bad in this period, it just hasn't given me enough time to ponder it 'black and white' down.

Anyhow, sometimes i feel so damn unlucky. Having to stay in a difficult place like Mumbai- in a year when metro is being constructed left, right and centre. Having to pass out in a year when recession hit our personal lives so much that every now and then I end up asking why this year? Having to be the only victims of Vista (The blasted thing from Microsoft) and crawl and keep crawling in it. And then having to get into a year when holidays are on weekends, etc.

But at other times....i just thank i wasn't around on VT station just a year back, trying to head home after a tired day at work.

Anyhow, later, one day, a girl asked me why i was reading in the train, and answered her own question by asknig another one- 'You have exams?'. That's the trouble. People think that you read only for exams and exams necesssarily require reading.

Another day, 2 women fought in the bus and like how? 'Tu har*****, tu har*****', is what the entire debate came to. I think smart things just don't occur to you in trains and buses, while fighting with people. One day a lady curtly- (unperturbed like she was God or something) told me- 'It's not your house' and I asked her- 'Is it yours?'. Such acute shortage of smart answers.

Later, Minkie- the chinkie paid me a visit, which overwhelmed me a lot. Zoo- the goon made me brilliant Apple-cinnamon cake, got me a Corby (yes my new baby and the one I'm married to, ((the incestuous life I lead)), with which I'm in total love.
Hyperlink- review of Corby (In process).

Later, visit to home for 2 big weddings in my small town. In that small town, you know everyone and vice-versa. In that little town, we eat the most sumptuous 'chaat' and 'kachoris'. And in that same town, the blistering and blurring sun turns into a nice-orange hue in the winters and keeps you company on the terrace, with small fairy lights in the distance for christmas and big and vivid crackers' patterns in the sky (with loud weddings). And now even better things happen in that small town. Time stands still, trots, canters and before you know it, starts to gallop you out into this big chaotic world all over again.

Anyhow, I'm known to spread rumours about that place. (To the order of it's fully wi-fied) :D.

Later, I realize, people also, like some songs from Dev D, grow on you. You like them, and then they crack a joke that relegates them to the 2nd grade, but funnily you still like them and more funnily you start liking the joke also. Funny ~

Later, I go to Pondi with my near and dear ones (yes, archaic but true). Awaiting the bike rides, walks on the Tamily-French beaches, interesting food, French curios, etc. and ofcourse, 2010.

Bring it on then!

Later

p.s. pictures in the evening from the new Corby- Dhan-te-nan

But Still :( :) :D ;), etc.

1.I can live alone famously, without the fear of ghosts, spirits, neighbours, badgering maid-internet guy-watchmen.

But still there are days, when you just wake up on the wrong side, ending up sleeping also on one, dissatisfied with some real averageness of the day. Thank God for all the funny, intelligent and slapstick sitcoms that America has made. They can keep you company well.

2.While I end up having a decent time on weekends with Zoo and friends, calling friends over, meeting them, or even by yourself watching a film and cooking food, the weekdays are the same ole Forrest-gumping around the city and corporate. Therefore I can’t say this is hell AND high-water.

But still, we live in day-to-day’s and not on weekends. These weekends are thus lone islands, more like oases after drudging along for days, or what seem like days in sandy deserts of Mumbai.

Life is like a damn pie here. Contingent upon good, bad, ugly rains, crowded, timely and delayed trains and BEST’s, the car ahead of us, the ‘pandals’ for elections and festivals, the rumour or reality of swine flu, a moody boss, a depressive, recovering economic state, a truant, forgetful maid, an irresponsible land-lord, the street dogs who fight with other dogs because they protect and scare you at the same time, the metro construction, a very famous singer’s wishes, availability of running water only at 2 fixed hours of the day, the temples of religion who decide to spread their sermons far and wide and of course your own ghosts.

3.Sometimes, when you try to concentrate, all you can hear is the tip-tap of keyboards, of course apart from the drone of the ac which cackles every now and then and the thrumming of people talking on the phone.

But still, it is far better than the silence of a lonely night, the quiet of an angry friend and a pregnant waiting.

4.I’ve no idea how to go back to writing, after such a long time with a torrent of mixed emotions and thoughts without being extremely disorganized and incoherent.

But still, one must keep going, even if it’s not good enough, just to break the jinx.

5.One of these days, I fell on the platform, while getting off the train, while it screeched to a halt, thinking I’d land vertically, just like some others were doing. Got my bearings soon after and collected myself. Looked back and saw everyone was impervious.

But still, one act of kindness, one hand to reach out to pull you on the train or even one smile to suggest we’re all in the mess together is just much weightier than that cold of people who would just continue to their cushy offices.

6.Every year, going home from wherever you are for Diwali is a very deep-rooted tradition. This year also, despite work, both Zoo and I went home, going about doing Pooja’s in all the possible places, eating rich food and meeting people.

But still it’s not one I would like to tamper much with. I’m deeply pulled by all the bric-a-bracs, deeyas, rangolis, lamps, etc. Besides that sense of ‘missing something’ is way too powerful in me. I don’t mean it in the emotional kind of way, but in a ‘lost opportunity, that time and space- where you weren’t, but could’ve been’ sort of way. Anyhow……


7.I cook a hell lot these days. But the amount I brag about it, one must feel that I'm a humdinger or something but far and away from it. I've to tell here, that if I continue to cook at this rate, I might as well be one hell of an experimental cook.

But still, I’d die a cook who doesn’t know the exact measures for 1 recipe. Just like in life, jack of all trades. I'll be the material mummies don't always like. Salt and pepper are always here and there. In cooking, Zoo for instance, who is a purist, will come away slightly better I think.

Just like conversations can be interrupted a good deal by the use of many fancy-incomprehensible words, so can a food-preparation. I cannot make a dish reak of garlic, cinnamon, asofoetida, bay leaves, basil, all at the same time. The use of all of them leads to bastadization and nullifying each and every taste. The other day I made pulao and the number of times I had to spit the cardamom seeds, cloves and bay leaves is not funny.

8.Reading in the loo has become a big problem because nose keeps leaking all the time. No matter how stiff I kept myself, my nose had this rebellious way to flout.

But still, there are other opportunities presenting themselves, for instance you can read in the train, in the bus, without feeling sorry about the wasted time in commute. I’m happy to know I’m adopting some brilliant adaptive and behavioral coping mechanisms.

Later

A horrible chaos of thoughts

Hi.

Day 0.

1. The problem with writing after a long time is that you have all these stories tarrying along in your head that you need to take out, then ofcourse, there are a lot of little-bits about them that you forget but you should have told. But it would have been so much better if we had a pensieve and we could store all our memories. So that the impact is not lost.

2. life in mumbai has been a bit of a treadmill of events, revelations and realizations.

3. I come back crying a lot of times home, saying i'm quitting work. I'm quitting mumbai because of the sum of things that I continue to dislike about living here. But Zoo abides by me and cools me down. I think she's scared to face a disgruntled and upset sister.

4. The other day, I got caught in the smidgeon of the balcony because I accidentally slid the sliding glass door shut. So the only way one could open it without breaking it was by inside. I yelled and yelled and asked for help. Ofcourse I was rescued and hence I'm writing today. But I got a very Prince-like feeling. No, not that Prince. The one that got caught in the pit/man-hole.

5. Meanwhile people continue to scramble in the buses and trains. But the interesting thing is that I do manage to find familiar faces in the trains. Sometimes they're so familiar that it occurs to me, Id just seen that lady in the morning train.

6. The city might be a little difficult
People can be seen talking to themselves or crying to themselves. Walk through my office in fort to the VT station, and despite the rush that you might be in to catch up with office or train, you can take notice of such people.
It is quite baffling to see the immense poverty in this city.

7. Ive come to the conclusion that it's a test and i'd hate to give up
I feel angry for feeling victimized.
it's easier to advise someone, but very difficult to do the same thing. No matter how much this has been used and said, I've only started to understand it now.


8. It's rains in Mumbai every now and then. But the threats of floods have sort-of been empty. Mummy worries sick over that while things run as-it-is in office. She worried sick over swine flu while things ran as-it-is, without a flutter of an eye-lid at office.

9. Weekends come back reallly soon. So do weekdays. But I look forward to weekdays more than weekends. Working on weekends hurts just a little more than working on weekdays.


Day 5

1. Running a household is also quite a task. There's gas, water, laundry, everything to be taken care of.

2. I hate to say, there's no time. I was a big believer of 'taking time out'. I was not so fatalistic either, blaming my mishaps on the city and its many hooks that keep you from flowing uninterruptedly. But I have changed, and I'm due to change again. I'm a small-town girl. And want to go back to that. For ever and all time.

3. But wait a second. Am I putting you through this drone again. So here's a promise for everyone's sake. I will fill up the glass quickly, so that I'm able to see it full again.


Day 6

1. I made a cute little friend in the bus. he kept shooting stary glances at me every now and then. In the middle, he would make faces at his coins.

2. I wonder if I were to champion for equality and not women's rights, then would I ask the guy to get up for me, on the seat, reserved for women??

3. If 2 people are feeling hot and cold, then should the fan be switched on or off? Is feeling hot potentially more harmful or feeling cold.

4. I realize more than ever, we almost always live in greys. Only black and white are black and white respectively. We are the product of our circumstances and now more than ever. Bathing time changes from 30 mind to 15 to even 10, from shower to bucket, from bidets to health faucets to mugs, from everyday, rugged jeans to Indian suits everyday, yes every single day, from being juniors to seniors, from being dumped with work to dumping in turn, from a full-blown meal of raita, papad, butter-milk, friums to a precipitous meal. From tea to no-tea to black-tea. People and ethics change all the time. School, college and work are such different settings. Just for instance, proxies are ever-so-common in college but I wonder how people would take it at work.


Day 4

1. Oh, now I know, why everyday, mundane life might be called a journey. There are a million things you can think of. Trying to come down a slippery, gradient and difficult terrain can be done much better if you can just cruise through, instead of fussing over the stone here and the hedge there. Alternatively, it can be crossed just as well, sitting down at every stone and breathing over it. Even more alternatively, holding someone's hands through a ravine.

2. But the trek was fantastic. It had it's waterfall, rainy and cavy moments. I wonder how much patience those Buddhist monks may have had, trying to carve out those caves in the neck of somewhere.

3. I also get how our fairy tales were so important. We wouldn't have been we, had it not been for hansel and gratel and their crumbs.

4. I realized, how ever much I dread water, and running water, I feel this strange thrill, sitting under the gushing, bouncing water off the cliff.

5. And there are days, when my blonde moments don't end. First, discussing over, whether we were entering the mainland India from the island India through an isthmus, my eyes looked both sides trying to spot water. Ofcourse, spatial intelligence escaped me then and I thought, there was no water on the other side because the world might be my oyster, but definitely not 100 yards long. Similarly, you might be crossing an isthmus, but you might not see water on either side.

6. Oh yes, the world is my little oyster. I have the freedom to do what I like and fight for my rights. And my weekends are mine, and I refuse to let them be intruded upon by anyone. But once the leash is loosened, it is loosened. To get it back, in your clutch might be difficult. So if you allow someone all your time on weekends, over and over again, you start to feel guilty if you try to claim it back later. So start doing it sooner than later. If I have to say, I refuse to work on weekends, I must say it with confidence.


Day 3.


1. Corporate presents itself as a bit of demon. Working is getting crazy. There's just too much to do in too little time. I never thought there'd be no time to stand and stare. I never thought that i'd have no time to write back to people or be so rushed off the feet that 'brb' is the only thing that can be managed.

2. Besides there are too many rules up there. There are corporate manners and etiquette that I'm learning surely but have very little clue about.
Every thing is very measured in that prissy world, with no room to make mistakes. Be careful in writing 'Dear', 'Thank You', 'Regards' and such.

3. Boss takes employees from behind. Walks from behind you and asks you, hey, how’s it going.

4. Standing on the footboard and feeling the Mumbai air, free from its characteristic stench is pleasing.

5. I scratch myself harder, thinking it was a t-shirt i was scratching

6. Work takes over work again. The first work is the politics of work that I have to deal with, the second one is more interesting, it is that I do- ttalk to consumers, analyse their behaviour, etc.


Day 1.
I lament it. With grief. I lament my ant-hood in this vast mess I've gotten into.
I lament the vicious circle.
The daily grind.
I lament my own two appearances all the time.
No, I'm not vulnerable.
You mess with me, and I will be quit of you. And you of me.
We will both be better off.
I lament that I feel spent, in this swamp. And now it's creating such horrid situations that'll be QUIT (in capitals.)
I lament that I can't speak out, that I have the fear of crossing the line, of being thrown out, and when I do, it's met with scorns of 'Oh, you want it easy'. 'These kids'.
But I say, it doesn't matter.



Day 2

Saw Kaminey in Indore.

It is an intelligent film. It dodges one all the time. My parents, ofcourse thought we had a lot of catching up to do everywhere with the film and my mum would actually keep asking my dad or me about what just happened, about what was going on, making us lose the track just a little bit.

There are many other things that I like about the film. The lisp and the stuttering. The use of multiple languages. It dwarfed me in a way.

There was immense dichotomy also in the film. 2 crimes in the same hotel at the same time, 2 Shahids, 2 speech problems, etc. More importantly, such films increase the scope of the film by that much. If they had to tell us everything on reel in 3 hours, it would be difficult, instead it’ll make us fill the gaps ourselves, hence spreading it’s wings far and wide.

from 1 week to 2 to 3 and 4. first encounter with the baap of pitter patter :d

The other day, the entire paper was plastered with stories of homosexuality becoming legalized. It seemed a whole lot of people were elated with the Delhi court coming out with a historical verdict. I'm told, it might be an issue of a huge vote bank. I love it that we're living upto all the constitutional promises of liberty and equality. But I wonder if a law ever deterred a lover or how criminal he must feel loving. I wonder more at what 377 had to say and how straight and not-so-straight people did unlawful things inadvertently, without anyone ever knowing ofcourse.

Lovely looking sea-links get erected reducing 40 to 7 mins, or is it just alleged. I believe, that all these great pieces of architecture over-promise. Just like work expands to fill up the time, traffic also must expand to fill up the space.

Presently, travel causes more and more problem. It's becoming more and more menacing to thrust people ahead in the train, skip trains in hope of an emptier train, pacing slower or faster with the crowd, avoiding leeking man-holes, cringing from pelting rains, et al. On the streets, the crowds aggregate to be one mass. There is an aggregate speed of that mass auto or manual traffic.

Game theory fits perfectly and explains best this whole rut. People say, I should leave early from home and office to find less rush, but considering everyone knows that and is being told that, implements this and advance the peak hour, down to a lesser hour. Sometimes people stay back in their homes and offices to join the parade a little later, on which days everyone else also mysteriously decides to do the same, thereby pushing the peak hour later. Therefore, the best idea would be to not think much, go out there, fight the travel travails and emerge a winner. :D

People are forgiving and probably the busiest in all of this universe. The other day, a friend said, it'll just take half an hour, what is that in Bombay standards, and I thought, in any other part of the world, I would've wanted to do things differently in that half an hour. But people are quick to forgive Mumbai in that sense. Over time, they don't curse the traffic jams, howling crowds, alternating bouts of heavy rains and sweltering heat.

Central line, I hear is the first one to close down during rains. That would send one in a state of dither and pother. It also has a smaller first class, women' compartment than the western line. One would complain, but like everything else, that also is forgiven.

In the train, new phenomena emerge everday. A crash course would be helpful but experience is also fine. Getting on the train is a fine art. Getting down is also one. One must learn about which side the destination platform would come on. Getting on a long distance train, hoping to get out on a mid-station could be anything between difficult to nightmarish. Having a back to lean on would be good, so you can book your place against the wall by asking people who will alight sooner than you. There will be much more jostle in the close-by second class men's compartment and that MUST goad you on. I become more and more thankful for my gender then.

It's a good thing, I've seen the people for a month before reaching conclusions. I'd said it was an unwelcoming experiece with people aboard the train. But I can understand their surly temperaments and testy dispositions. One tends to become like that when their every-day lives are so heavily dependent on external factors. I have also started to sass people when they ask me get rid of my sack. I've learnt to ignore their pssts and tchtchs. I've also encountered familiar faces, to which I simply smile.
Outside of trains, people just help. Auto-walas are curt but definitely not out there to cheat. You are safe, coming at 2 in the night. And very protected during unfriendly tides and attacks. The same crowds that suffocate the mind, give it humane leases at such times.

Meanwhile, there've been some close and not-so-close friends to meet and chill with. There've been first experiences with hosting with home-made food, appreciation and criticism. There've been pangs of lonelinesses and joys of living alone. Truth be spoken, even in MICA i lived alone, but the system took care of you. Here, without Zoo, living by yourself, running a household with a maid, broker, laundry seemed just too large and overwhelming.

Work is panning out better. It's opening a whole new world of corporate and research. Fieldwork, somewhere in the parallel universe, might be about conforming to very demanding research designs. We were made to do cold calls, which were rather cold, some warm calls and door-to-door. These are two disparate worlds of design and field, both complementary to each other, extensions, different arms of research. More than consumers are king, respondents are king would be more appropriate.

Home continues to be great consolation. Support systems going good and strong. New songs by Iron and Wine, Zoo's melifluent sing-song, Debo's extreme listlessness and Minkie's fits of mirthful laughter and crazy talk delight my ears daily. :D


The other day, I had my first encounters also with pitter-patter rainfall that assumed gargantuan proportions. While I was at Bandra, chilling with a friend, I'd hear things like 'galat bhada utha liya hai', 'don't cross so-n-so subway, there's water clogging there', 'maybe you could check into a hotel or something', I hit the panic button. It became worse when the taxis and autos would refuse straight to take me home. And then the straw, central line closes. But I reach home safely, so does everyone else. People weather these weathers all the time.

Anyhow, i think it's become much longer than I'd expected and much much longer than anyone can stand. Next time, I'll not wait for such leakage and piling.

In the hope of becoming one of them or not.

Later

P.s. SuZoo ka ghar and friends coming soon

andheri, fort and everything in between~

I've been in Mumbai and dying to write every day. There's a lot to write, and a lot of resistance and stalling off too, but I'll try and remember everything about this last one week.

Mumbai is colossal. It's from everywhere to everywhere and why I know it so much is because I've travelled a good deal in this time. Office is in Fort, the towner side of Mumbai, and home is somewhere in the neck of Andheri East.

I take a walk to the bus station, take a bus, take a train and take a walk. The commute divides in 3 legs. And walking is the best, which is to say that the train and bus are nightmarish and ordealish in any combination. Everyday is a new day. In which any generalization could be sweeping. One day the bus or the train journey manageable and the next day i'm disposed to thinking otherwise. I have to say I havn't encountered the most humble people in Mumbai. They scorn all the time. Or I think, it could be just me. They know that crowd is a commute reality but they still sulk at others. They know that you're being pushed by someone else in the train from behind, but they will still mutter something completely incomprehensible in Marathi and make you feel like an outsider. I daresay I feel like one here. So train's been a little unwelcoming in that sense.

I dread Dadar station like lightning. My fingers cross in hope that somehow we can pass it by, without stopping. I love it at other times in hope that it comes 5 minutes too soon and people get off the train.

Fragrances, aromas, stinks mix everywhere. The fish stench on CST skilfully transforms into the shoe-polish smell and then the collective odours of the shampoos and powders and deodorants people use.

Queues are rampant. From everywhere to everywhere again. But people don't complain. Oh, no, they don't complain. I'm told they revel in this discomfort, or should I call it rut. It's everyday for them is fine, but it's fine it's everyday for them. Standing in the bus I felt like a soldier one day. Then I looked at the other lady standing too and I didn't think she would complain and think of herself as brave. When I do manage to find a place, people hit my head all the time. Sometimes their crotches are so close, but it's nothing to worry about.

People also mock here. One day I waited for the bus for 15 minutes and it came, stopped for exactly 2 seconds, and left without me. I stood at the stop in shock. Looked around to see some people smirk. Yesterday, I stepped on dung, fresh from the oven, and I looked around again to see people smirk. They laugh at my complaints of distance, of noise, of people.

But it's all played in the mind. If I get used to it, I get used to it. Besides not having a definite time frame in mind of how long I might have to repeat this abominable ritual is comforting. It keeps one from breaking down everyday. There is comfort in Zoo's and Minkie's parenting and encouragement in all combinations. There's some consolation also in the cooler office. There's definite solace in mom-dad's conviction and then there's time.

Weekend was fun and lazy with Zoo. Now she'll be gone for the weekend. Minkie will be gone too for the trek. But it's all good. I have some catching up to do and some things to be gotten in order.

Later

Bullets of my sleepy vegetation!

1. I vege out at home, like i've never done before. And like a vacation. In normal circumstances, I'd have become extremely restless at not having much to do, but this is like unwinding at it's best.

2. I'd worked a one-day interest in democracy and polls. We were inundated with messages about how we must not, as educated citizens let our vote go to waste.

However, I have to make a clean breast of my lack of knowledge about the candidates standing from this constituency. I also have to admit, that I knew little about their agendas and I still went to vote for the immense electoral pressure from media and everywhere else. But I do also know more people like me, who decided to stay back home and refrain, which as an afterthought was a better thing to do. This of course also emanates from a little bit of apathy, a little bit of despondence in parliamentary democracy.

I also feel that the low turn-out amongst electorates like me might be because of constant migration from everywhere to everywhere. They havn't stayed at a place for long enough to get a voter's id. That's a little sorry, considering how important we are as targets to a lot of election campaigns.

3. IPL is spiffy, crisp and interesting.

4. I don't like black-n-white as much as I like colours, considering works of nature, expressions and countenances describe well in just hues.

5. I feel at a loss for words sometimes. No not so much a language problem as much as just the lack of putting thoughts in words.

6. Conflate moon-lit nights, appearance and disappearance of our blotchy, fluorescent from floating clouds with crackers in the wedding season with terrace, personal and intimate thoughts and Phil Collins and it'll be worth it.

7. Lots of things about which to know, the urge is rising in the chest but the overload of information online and the fact that one does not get to learn from the internet when one knows what he/she wants to know forbid me in that endeavour.

8. It's partly the heat that takes me down a lot sometimes. Sometimes it's topped by the most heinous mosquitoes and the shortage of water. It's these times, more than anytime else, I like to live on a mountain in a mosquito-proof valley. On road, I see mirages everywhere. The road and suspended somewhere in air also.

9. Shed thy ego in driving and relationships. Don't say to yourself, 'let the car honk, I'll not let him pass' or 'Let me show that indiscriminate driver a lesson' or 'I'll not talk till he/she talks' or 'What the hell, it's not my turn'.

10. Let it flow, let it go.

Later

IPL- It's Pure Lure.

Long time.

I have started a new regime these days (read: the last 3 days). I do some wall practice for tennis (yes, the long lost friend, about whom I used to write so fondly). It's like playing with myself :). No no, don't get me wrong. It's like returning your own shots. But the hope of a cloudy afternoon always outSHINES the will to get up early and hit the court. However, today, as I saw the day turn silver(from clouds) from yellow, my heart leapt with joy. The line between shade and sunshine on the court blurs too subsequently. And then another leaping in joy.

When people say 'it's all in the head', it all falls in place. The trick in tennis, I've found out :d, is to slow-motion the ball when it's landing back, after the bounce, see the last of it's revolutions before you hit it with all your might, straight from the centre of the racket. Every ball, every time, with might.

Then a little run on the treadmill, some crunches and squats follow. And then some thigh pain, and fatigue follow. I vacillate between sport and fitness and fitness and sport. I have moved on from non-belief in gym. As one looks at himself slogging it out on the treadmill, the feeling of being fit is half the battle of fitness won.

Later in the day, I watch some action in IPL. The other day, I saw one of the most nail-biting, cliff-hanging match between Rajasthan Royals and Kolkata Knight Riders. These matches are bigger than loyalties. While I saw Shahrukh Khan pray and Shilpa Shetty rejoice, I felt galvanized. That's the stickiness about T-20, it's pace, it's assortment and glamour.

And today, when my favourite Chennai gets to draw with Kolkata (a fairly easy game, in favour of Chennai), I feel a little 'sinking'.

Things change all the time. In the wedding season, I no longer like to put mehendi (henna) in my hands. There was a time in my childhood when I used to crave such things. I would wear many bangles, put mum's lipstick like a shabby girl without taste, wear 'chunnis' for saris all the time (just the way I do now), make a wig and hang it around my neck and keep jerking my head in that sexy way heroines do in films. No more. I think, madnesses of childhood just peter out like this in adulthood.

But some things never change. Mums never become indifferent to us, however much they say- 'I've stopped to care about you children'. She will still come and see if we are sleeping even if we have had a battle with words just moments back. And the taste of Amul butter never changes. The assurance of the sweet voice never changes. The sting of the pernicious and scheming mosquito's bite never changes. And the promise of the eastern sun and the warmth of the western sun never change too.

So Long.

ordinary but super

holidays slip out of my hand like a chocolate chip from a cookie falls into one of those sofa cleaves and edges along while I try to pluck it with my index and thumb. feeling like a mother missing the 9 months old foetus, to the book i just finished reading. have lots of fun in telling half the details to Debo and witholding the other half, that unhinges him completely. have many a bee in my bonnet. Sometimes its working out. Staying at home and squandering the holidays away evokes crazy, gory images in my mind. I see funny things happen to myself and it's not pretty. sometimes it's someting else. But they are all too many and too small. Sometimes it's taking a back-packing trip somewhere. I open many a link to see some nice vegetarian recipes to fix something in the kitchen. But the moment passes, I bookmark those links and I never go back to that. Later I open many a link for architecture types and forms. Bookmark those and then never go back to them. Sometimes, I have many pages(Tabs * Windows)open on my computer that are never visited again. In the meantime, Zoo goes to Amreeka and Debo takes exams. I think about Minkie at times and the time-zones and the one-way-ness upset me then. I want to pole vault time and space then. Anyhow, these are momentary things and pass me by in another instant.

Later

cocktail

now that i have shifted my base from ahmedabad for good, there were some things that needed winding up. For eg. I spoke to Vodafone executives to solve my post-paid problem. D'abbord, cest moi, que presente les problemes grandes. Deuxiemement, les executives sont tres prepare, comme, ils soint tres exaspere pas mes problemes, finalement, they breathed a sigh or relief, continue a me demander si ils peuvent faire quelque chose pour moi, in a long and boring drone of 'i hope mam, the information we provided you helped us, if there is anything we can do for you, please let us know.'. And while they neared the end of this refrain, je pensais d'une nouvelle probleme, et ils repetaient la meme message.

Je crois, mes probleme restent comme ca. Mais, au'jourdhi jai recontre plus qu'une fois, un exposure of service. Et ce sont les educateurs qui nous servent le meilleure. Ils sont dans la profession, plus noble.

Anyhow, service est tres important dans la travaux de ordinateur aussi. La diskette et chargeur ne travaille plus. Pourtant, je suis sure, les gens qui me servent le meilleure, n'ont pas etudie 'service marketing' dans le college.

Anyhow, from the top, everything else looks like a small speck. Tall buildings that were once visible, the view is completely obliterated by many more buildings in the middle. While I saw the scorching sun turn into a less bold colour of orange but a more defined round ball, one huge leaf from the coconut tree fell, from the first tumlt of arriving monsoon. And listening to reminiscent songs, I was taken two years back to another chapter of college. Anyhow, that's another story.

So while shoes are being thrown on important political people, earthquakes ravage pretty landscapes, Taliban rears it's head, mass protests take place in Maldova, India draws an almost-won match, the heat of elections becomes thicker and new sensational stories unfold everyday, on my turf, closer home while mummy and I fight, learning is becoming a little difficult in the kitchen. A few failed attempts at cooking cut me to size. Hope things are better in a few days. We'll get to feel better and eat better.

Later

home updates

mummy looks at manufacturing dates for medicines and not expiry dates. What's the point of expiry dates then. She has many such fetishes. But she works bally hard at home. papa comes home muttering some numbers for lunch at home, some filter cloth configurations. He comes home really tired in the evening. He wants to take a trip somewhere in may. Debo has been really sick for the past few days. He is being fed some nutritious food.Bhe doesn't have all of it. Today he sat all day watching football or cricket on espn. Sometimes he fights with me. But more often than that, he just cold-shoulders me. I think he just acts really insouciant but has a warm heart. Zoo works and comes back home to cook food. She works and comes back to skip dinner. And sometimes, she just has food outside. She takes lots of time to cook but takes less than 5 to eat. (One of the big paradoxes). But she will be joined by me in June.

Meanwhile, I'm thinking whom to vote for, these elections. I'm not very certain but i'm learning. I dont know how well left, nda, upa or mayawati will fare. But i wait for some reforms. I'm not liking the inaction too much.

Meanwhile also, mummy scolds me for not working. Therefore, I'm getting into the mood for working. Once i'm started, there will be no stopping my dear. There are myriad things that need to be done. I shall not squander the precious vacation doing nothing. I shall travel to many a place. And cook many a meal. And dance many a dance. And speak many a tongue.

Later

and life comes a full circle!

Exactly two years back, I was enrolled in a place called MICA. A post-graduate programme with a difference, they say. I don't know how different it is, but I do know it's scaled me completely in two years. I miss soo many things about that eco-system. In a way, MICA has spoilt me without any conscience. And this is in terms of more physical and tangible things. For eg. when I set foot at home, I was met with load-shedding. This totally took my goat. Later, the many plumbing disasters that need attention, took me back to MICA. Then there were the lush and beautifully manicured lawns. The laundry, the internet connection, the 'lan' culture, the fight for more and more shared drive, the complete meals, with both butter-milk and curd. The oh-so close 'chhota' and tt canteens, the credit, and the list goes on.

But there other intangible things also. There is the self-occupation that MICA affords. There you were allowed to stay unnoticed, do anything just by yourself, listen to any kind of music at any volume. At home, that is inconceivable. Everyone is involved with each other. One person's sneezing affects everyone in the house. The food, the temperature, the mood, etc. It's much more intrusive but more feeling. In MICA, there were no right or wrong timings for things. Here there is a right time for bathing and having food. There was no one place or even any place for anything, here there's place for everything. There was little civilization, here that's all there is to see.

What a world that was. People were alike and yet different. They confused me no end.
Collectively they would be mad. Individually they would be madder perhaps. But towards the end, I also realized that the batch would come together and make all things happen. I bow to that experience. I bow to the people, who would follow their dreams with most passion. I bow to also the ups and downs, for they made the journey like a ride. There was learning in the fine details and the broad strokes. In the grounds and the classrooms, in the solitude and togetherness and in every person I rubbed my shoulders with.

And while I am back at home, I have a summer vacation before which i can join work. I believe these might be the last summers, when I can learn to move a little bit in the kitchen, learn a little bit of French, tennis and also learn to plop-plop without having tea :)Therefore, learning doesn't stop. It never will. I will try and make the most out of it, while I can.

Later

no lions..just silhouettes !~

this, dear everyone, could be fairly long. There's just so much going in the head, and it's all churning out there.

I just came back from Gir and it was an experience worth telling. Not the most satisfying trips but 'yeh nahin kiya to kya kiya'. There were let-downs but it was fun, rising above those.
there were no lions in the Gir to be spotted. no luck with the lionesses either. Route six, however, allowed some of us a distant silhouette of a leopard. But nevermind that.
Safaris are great fun. Especially the Gir Safari. A large stretch of natural habitat, with 359 (in number) lions. Many thousands spotted deer and a wide variety of beautiful, exotic birds such as the 'night-jug' and the 'owl'. The owl, with its eyes open in the day. i believe they sleep with their eyes open.

Anyhow, PK, Juggy and Aunaunya and PK's friend were great company to have. For PK, lions mean everything. Everytime she heard something remotely sounding as 'lions', she would feel a surge of disappointment for not having to encounter one.

Anyhow, but like the great ones say about the journey being important and all that, I truly believe it's the safari, the sambhars and the spotted deer and not the lions and leopards that are coveted. The forests were barren and the hope was overwhelming. The ride was bumpy and the heat immense. But maybe I'll need to go a third time to be able to spot anything, because the probability in any case is 1/3rd, and I should have known that second visit was merely a formality.

Money-wise, it burnt a bit of a hole. But i never knew this is how foreign nationals are charged. I mean, i probably had known that these government run, touristy places do manage to charge foreign nationals more, but because we had such an immediate reason to worry for PK's German friend was with us, I never cared maybe. However it is, he is going back with an impression that Indians=Greedy, immoral bunch of conmen. My guess is that when he mentioned something about Indians being this way or that, he was never talking about us. This makes me believe that the touristy image of Indians still holds. Anyhow, for me, I will try to economize elsewhere.

There were all kinds of auto-rickshaws that we tried. And it was all great fun. And it was all very tiring also. And it was a little unbelievable. Because our place of stay was a little shady, some farmhouse, with little trace of much more civilization. In fact, very close to the sanctuary itself. We had the dainties food, cooked food, along with chutneys and pickles and freshly-made butter. Stomach-upset was a fear but in the many experiments, why should this be compromised.

There were some fresh realizations. Sometimes PK hums and I sing. I saw the whole stretch of a train. The WHOLE stretch in one glance, I mean without having to proceed it. I get used to a place and the loo in a much shorter time. When you try to wrap a wet towel around your jeans, for it to dry, the jeans soak the wet up before the sun dries it up. Sometimes head spins like crazy, making me afraid to close my eyes. I can see the sky change colours, when I'm playing tennis or sitting in the near-by tall tanki. It's vivid. Like a fast-foward film that shows day to night. I, sometimes make mental notes of the things I write about. And I lose the notes ever so often. I get inordinately excited and fascinated with all these small villages that I cross while travelling. The distance and the fact that I will never be able to visit that house, in which that frame hangs add to the enchantment. And ofcourse I like Prawns. They are a yummy thing.

Anyhow, there's lots happening with the people around me. My parents, Zoo, they are all going through huge dilemmas. I have no idea what I think about these dilemmas or how I think about them. But they are there for resolve.

There are other egos, how I have no idea become a little insurmountable. I have seen myself talking to people about how it's just about that big leap and being able to start talking, but it's difficult I would say but it's not one of those impossible things.


These days, people let their status messages talk no end. While MICA comes to an end, reading status messages and their count-downs are very interesting. I might take a while before my status message or my status become, one of nostalgia. I might take a while before I take that leap i was talking about. But before that there are soaked clothes to be washed, final matches to be won or lost and some nice food to be eaten. Till then.

Later

and this my friends, is MICA for you and MICA for me!

mica comes to an end. In a week. Might or might not miss it. Might miss it more than might not miss it. will miss the picturesque mornings and the still evenings. will probably miss chhota and tt. will miss this brand of laziness.

will miss the indiscipline. the crazy nights on assignments but more on playing baddy.

tennis. nights of incessant chatting with friends and neighbours.
will miss the promises of discipline though. and the latest nights at pat's with lots to drink and eat. with talks of love and hate. of life. of change. but mostly change and it's off the beaten track-ness. change mica has brought. lots of it. it's made me think. It's made me meet so many other people, culturally so diverse. it is a like a different geography, away from the influences of civilization.

Another civilization with it's own rules of sleep, drink, eat. Eat 4 meals per day complete with papad, dal, rice, salad, falka. the little bricked routes. Will miss the double and the single rooms. and the endless frustrating nights with mice. the sleepy nights with no recollection and the sleepless nights with the unpainted cement of the roof. will miss not brushing before lunch. will miss the luxury of not bathing (which I think is slightly over-rated anyway). zoo's and minkie's visits. and the tension i've borne because of them.

Will miss the uninterrupted net connections. will not know how much i sleep each day, because i have no idea when the day begins and ends. everyday passes without stopping to tell. much like the approaching trees in a moving train, that quickly rush past us. will miss dunking birthday girls and boys. the never-ending one and a half hour long classes. the 15 minutes long breaks. will miss the friends and acquaintances i met here, both good and bad. i respect them all. they all have some goodness. i will miss realizations that they help me reach faster. realizations such as they might not be the best people on earth, but since they are friends, they will be much more important perhaps than the best people on earth. will miss being counseled and counselling. the teasing and taking digs at people. but more importantly being teased (for the failure of the first).

Will miss being culturalized, being abused left right and centre. Will miss abusing immensely. Will miss people not getting scandalized on being abused.

Will miss the every kind of class, creed, colour and caste that treaded the paths of MICA with me. will miss writing like this, while the laptop rests on my stomach, the screen propped up. Will miss rains. will miss rains just too much. will miss silver oak, parijat and even chandni. will miss the placement processes. both summer and final. will even miss roxy, the best dog i've seen, though he still makes me uncomfortable. will miss going out ever so often.

I will probably not miss the uncertainty, the indiscipline, the variety, the individualism, the change, the assembly line, the 'trying-to-be-like-a -MICAN', the one and a half hour long classes, the endless assignments, the dissertation woes, the misfortune of being slotted with the strictest faculty panels. Will not miss the worst rodents that frequented my place. will not miss the oh-so-dirty loos that i got sometimes. And will not miss the things i missed in their good days, on bad ones. And sometimes also miss the things i did not mention I'll miss, in times when the worse rubs against me.

But whether I miss or don't miss these things, i can never forget, and every once in a while be stormed to remember because they are indelible impressions. And indelible impressions they will remain.

Later

I believe in love- By Don Williams

I don’t believe in superstars, organic food and foreign cars
I don’t believe the price of gold, the certainty of growing old
That right is right and left is wrong
That north and south can’t get along
That east is east and west is west, and being first is always best

But I believe in love
I believe in babies
I believe in Mom and Dad
And I believe in you

I don’t believe that heaven waits for only those who congregate
I like to think of God as love, He’s down below, He’s up above
He’s watching people everywhere, he knows who does and doesn’t care
And I’m an ordinary man, sometimes I wonder who I am

But I believe in love
I believe in music
I believe in magic
And I believe in you

Well I know in all my certainty
What’s goin’ on with you and me
Is a good thing
Its true
I believe in you

I don’t believe virginity is as common as it used to be
In working days and sleeping nights,
that black is black and white is white
That Superman and Robin Hood are still alive in Hollywood
That gasoline’s in short supply, the rising cost of getting by

But I believe in love
I believe in old folks
I believe in children
And I believe in you

:D Thank You

Later

Thank You god for the last year. Thank You for everything. Hope good things are in store. Hope I get to learn a lot from the kindness and goodness and imbibe some of them. Thanks for the lovely times and the togetherness. Thank You also for the absence (or I would never know the silkiness of the voice). Thank You for the distant touch. And thank You also for the more familiar caress. (They both are most coveted). Thank You for helping me open up a little bit and unravel to opportunities. Thank You for the first few times. And thank god also, they sped past me or I would never get to see the last few ones (And they were brilliant too).
I thank you for the privilege of sight and smell and touch and taste and sound. For how they're magic in tandem. But more importantly sight of apples and smell of perfumed hair and clothes and touch of sweet moles and the sound of drunken voices losing clarity of speech or not-so-drunken voices articulating in the same rhythm every time and the taste of food most delicious.
I hope life presents many an occasion to celebrate and party. To discover and explore more wonderful things or to keep those old wonderful things, wonderful eternally. But even if that were not to happen, O God, I belong here, and here only :)

bring some sleep to me!

it's close to quarter to seven in the morning, too early for me. But i've been up for close to an hour and half. And why I am writing is a> I need to sleep very badly but i dont get sleep. I need to sleep very badly so that my day goes on smoothly, without my head swaying in the class and other places, in sleep.
b> I did some very funny and stupid things in the last some time.
c> And perhaps, these things are worth a mention.

But believe me. I didn't want to put you through this. But it's the lack of sleep that making me do this.

Anyhow, i got up to pee with my bladder almost full. Then as I was entering my room, the darkness and the silence of the campus beckoned to me. I thought it might be interesting to explore the campus this late in the night or early in the morning. There were some nice strains coming from some rooms- dave bruebeck from one. There were some interesting colored lights in some rooms- yellow, orange and blue-ones that make you sleep. In the community room, one lone guy was playing pool all by himself. There were insects and toads making that quintessential night-noise. Watchmen spooking me out with the whistles and wrapped-attire. But it was beautiful. The campus looks pretty even in the night. I might miss this in a couple of months. But i'm not sure.
I know how this works with me. Happinesses, sadnesses, disappointments, nostalgia, euphoria don't sink in at the time of particular events causing them. And by the time they sink in, they just become too belated for me to feel them.

Anyhow, I manage to surprise myself every now and then. Another stupid thing I did for which I am extremely angry with myself is that I left a pretty shirt in the mall that I was trying some new shirts in. This is because I put on my sweatshirt straight, without realizing that Id forgotten to put something on in the middle. I realized this only when I came back, put my sweatshirt off did I realize that. I've searched it inside the sweatshirt. But I can't find it.
I just pity my absent-mindedness so much.

Oh by the way, i would also like to take this opportunity to write about some other interludes in this otherwise busy and unenjoyable semester.

Zoo has come over from Bombay. She stayed with me yesterday. We chilled and chilled, talking about a whole lot of things. But mostly about family. I think, now we might not be the children our parents would've loved to have. I mean, we're still nice and sober and sociable, but we've moved on a different direction from the ideal ones. Zoo and I don't belong here or there. But it's our background. But it's just the background, that is why it's called that.
We have gol-gappas every now and then. We also saw, Marley and Me yesterday. The whole film is like one happy ending, except the ending, which is a little sad. Maybe, just maybe, I will want a nice lab when I grow up.
We'll meet again tomorrow for a bit. We might go to Chocolate Room again to have some bailey shots that could uplift all and sundry. I don't want her to go. But she has work.

Anyhow, Mink paid me a visit last week and I was loving it. We chilled and chilled. And we did a lot of other things also. Ate lots of italian and mess food. Kept sneaking him in and out. Made him watch some films like Billu and Dev D. In the latter, he kept rubbing his hands and warming his eyes to them and asking if I could see it properly. I think the colours of the film are to be blamed. Besides I slept in the film, also because of how sparsely I had slept. We fussed over things and in the middle, I broke-down like a vase- like the vase, who is otherwise pretty sleepy.
I missed it, the last week. But I've been a little busy too, to miss it too much.

I saw some other films such as Mirch Masala. I love the film, i love the women, both the rugged, swarthy village women and the more sophisticated ones. I liked the bitchy and the kind ones. But the kind ones were always in love. In fact, someone who's shown in love in a film, is also almost always shown to be generous, which might be. One does become one-notch more generous, kind, sympathetic and humane, in love. (or whatever)

Then we played Tennis. One day was just fantastic and in PK's words, we continued to trade blows one after the other. I would play well and she would up her skill and vice versa. But I can talk on the phone when I'm playing and she can't. That's because I play single-handedly and she double.

I have been up for close to two hours. And I really want to sleep. I was hoping this would induce me to sleep. But sunlight has already advanced the day in my room. I might go and watch Oscars then and see how people dress, but I just don't care enough I think.

In anticipation of more gumption, activeness, work, fun and happiness.

Later

places and times to live in again and again!

the last one week has been a phase of 'yeses' and 'noes' and 'heres' and 'theres' and ofcourse lots of good things, places and people.
the hopes and disappointments that i was talking about in the last post, finally gave way to one beautiful journey that was really one i'd like to live again. Not that I anyway forget any of my journeys, but i think there are very few that i think about for a long time afterward. It was one of it's kind because it encompassed a lot of different experiences, slow time and fast time, slow mind and fast mind, opulence and roughing up (and both to death), adventure, trial, numbness of mind and body, speedracing of mind and body and many more.

I'm sorry for such a horrible and vague description, but as I think and write about it, these are the only expressions that come to my mind. Maybe, just maybe, I can try to explain them, but the point is my language (i mean superlatives) is not rich enough to describe a lot of things. I'll attempt nevertheless.

Ofcourse, it's not an itinerary so I will again not start with where we started. But things which are top of my mind. It all began with a BIG lie. I don't usually lie, so this was different. One led to another and yet another. And I realized if I can't catch up with my own lies, I start fretting and fumbling.

So I was supposed to go somewhere else, and I landed somewhere else. Anyhow, where I landed was this place of enormous beauty, depth, fecundity and untouched by pollutions of the plains. Our resort, the warm place was perched on top of a mountain, led by roads which would not accommodate many vehicles horizontally. Our room afforded us the most brilliant view of green, brown, cement and snow occasionally. I was only wondering about the little cute-eyed, cheek-tanned little kids who inhabited those little silos. The place was cold, but unlike a lot of cold and damp places, there was warmth in the room.

We hiked and walked uphill and then downhill, all of which was fun. Sometimes, we would take the short-cuts to the next step on the mountain, climbing the rocky terrains, circumventing the winding roads.

We wassailed in the warmth of embraces of occasional smokes and bon fires of the mountains and 'magic moments'. Got a little laughy-daughy and a little dotty-shotty. It was great fun, watching people in the drunk state.

Slept well, very well, waking up in the middle of the night, amid the little tiny twinkling bulbs of civilization that paint the landscape in the night to talk a little bit of comforts and last-nights and next-mornings.

Ate well, very well. We ate in the quaintest, little 'gallas', eating whatever that was available. But mostly I junked it and junked it by eating 'American Onions' and 'Spanish Tomatoes'. Thanks to my company. They made sure these were abundant. We dreaded sick, puky, uneasy feelings amongst us and therefore carried medicines all along.

We also went to a few places that we disappointed us. But what the hell. Disappointments are necessary. One would never know otherwise that there were other people in the world, who could occupy the hot springs and geysers that you thought you once owned. One would also never come to know the real value of beautiful living on the hills.

Anyhow, it all came to an end, like i knew it would. There was some tiredness, sure and some pain in the coldest sleeper class I've known. But like I say, one has to just look around a little bit to find warmth. There was some sadness too, that a lot of good and fun had just come to an end. But in the hope of many others to come, we'll wait.

Later

And determination and dashing hopes and the letdown got the better of me!

It took a whole lot of purpose, some disappointment and it's abatement to come back to this link and start writing. Truth be told, I was dilly-dallying a lot about writing lately. Not because I had nothing to write, but because I had too much of it and I didn't know where to start.

I can draw tens of analogies. It's like a pending phone-call that you have to make for a long time, and with time the task becomes more and more of a task. So when you're talking to a long-lost friend, the call is that much briefer as against someone with whom you've talked everyday for very long but you still don't stop abruptly to fill silences with coughs or 'one-second's'.

It was like an infinite abyss, only it was a little more finite than that. It's like preparing for CAT, when the tomes and material from the class would just keep piling on and that day, when I had to start studying, pick one of those papers up would be pushed. It's AVOIDANCE. I do get it, it's one of those stupid mental things, like a disease. I avoid checking my mail because it's inundated. I fear looking at the thick heap of newspapers that remain unread. Similarly I avoided writing and avoided it like plague.

But anyhow, in my day-dream I was slated to visit this beautiful, pure and unused peak-station called Narkanda near Simla about which I was really kicked. We were going to take trains, buses, cycles, walks, toy-trains and the works to reach. But then, something came along and that shattered like a pack of cards tumbling down with a slight sigh.

Then in another dream, I was going to Rishikesh to white-water raft. Admitted that I don't enjoy plain as much as height and water as much as earth and beaches as much as apple orchards and rafting as much as cycling, but again, Rishikesh nahin kiya to kya kiya. Anyway, things happen in their own time sometime. Maybe, this dream was much better timed than the last one, or maybe I must be faced with hiccups. Maybe hiccups are good. They take you out of reverie.

That is what this last week has been. A bally reverie. I am relieved and relieved like it's a dream. I have just chilled all of last week. But even in the past when I have chilled, I have not really done that. I mean, it's not this unadulterated chillness. My mind is usually on a pending assignment or pending exams or the dissertation or placements.

But now that I am placed as a 'Research Executive' (no idea, what kind of a qualitative researcher I will be, but I will certainly try to be my best and try to learn as much as I can), it's certainly bliss. Anyhow placements also are a true test of character. They help you know so much more about yourself than you thought you did. One has to constantly make trade-offs, especially in trying times like these. There's patience on the one hand, where you wait your time for the right company to come and then hope it would take you and then there's a sense of urgency where you sit for all companies, letting companies say 'yes' or 'no' to you.

People go through so many emotions during placements. There's euphoria and disappointment and indifference and relief and despondence. One might buckle under pressure or carry on.
I think they are like auctions. Pressure builds up and builds up and it's the trailing positions that become more sought after.

I hope I start my career with energy, enthusiasm and a spirit to learn. I hope it's a good fit for my journey and I in return am a good fit for the company. I also know for sure that everyone will be placed, but it leaves them stranded in a sense. Like the way my mind is divested, theirs probably is invested in many thoughts.

People have changed their facebook and gtalk status messages. Nerdy for example said 'Energy' because she's going into an energy company, which will pay her truckloads. There are others who have kept 'Happy to Help's' and 'Desh Ki Dhadkan's' also.

The good thing has been that I;ve done a lot of new things. I went on a looong bike ride to a beautiful and serene bird sanctuary called Thol with a friend. I also let some of my bi-sexual tendencies emerge. I tried to learn the bike. I tried to fly kites and launch them. I set some full ones to become one with air. Also, it was a good time to be taken with or stricken by love or hatred. There's enough time to fight and discuss about natures. Even if you're thinking about not-so-productive things, it's just filling some empty space.

There's more time to dream a new dream every day. And certainly there's more time to play more and improve. There's more time to sit back and introspect. There's more time to mourn. And there's ofcourse time to bounce back.

Later

p.s- i just hope very badly that it's not read by some people, I wouldn't wish read it.